emotional flat tires

I made a pitcher of iced tea. It tastes awful. I refuse to dump it out. I want to go to sleep and get up early and study... aka go to bed and not get up early to study. There is too much information. I just want to eat a donut or 12. I keep thinking I see Atlas out of the corner of my eye and then get sad. At least I finally signed a lease on an apartment that is pet friendly next year so I don't have to sneak my cat around under the cloak of darkness.

I neutered him and it was easy. I wanted to talk about it with Matt but it was too much for him. If someone offered me a job that paid $100,000, I would leave vet school tomorrow. My "calling" is getting drowned out by the deafening sound of my disappearing confidence... woah... Everyone has a price. Mine might actually be less than $100K but I will keep telling myself that its not because there is no job that anyone is going to offer me (especially without me applying for it) that pays near that.

This feeling is normal, right?

I want a brownie.

say something meaningful

I FINALLY FINISHED OUTLINING G.I. LECTURES!

5 lectures= 21 pages of outlines= 8,352 words

They aren't quite as brief as I had hoped but what is these days? Now i have to buy ink and print them so i can actually use them for their intended purpose. Days go by sooo sloooowwwlly in class and then when i get home i feel like the 6 hours i spend studying fly by and i don't get anything done.

I did take a break for half an hour to be successful by cooking spaghetti. i even cooked a pound of ground turkey to make a "meat sauce." It is kind of edible. and now i have something to eat all week. besides pretzels and tomato soup.

starting another subject now to only look at it for 1-2 hours just seems like such a waste.

who am i?

yesterday was interview day. when the prospective students ask "how much more work is vet school than undergrad?" i want to laugh and cry and immediately start to stress eat.

i still don't know the path of ingesta in the cow. stop telling me ingesta isn't a word!
.

birthday illness

tomorrow will be probably the 15th out of 26 birthdays that i will have spent sick. this would come as no surprise to anyone who has known me for a decent length of time and is familiar with my ability to get sick on almost every special occasion. it is a gift, what can i say?

i rarely get sick in a way that inhibits my sense of smell (taste) but i actually did this time and i can't taste anything. its really bizarre and made that little baby bel cheese kind of a waste. additionally, atlas is now eating the wax from it and i doubt that is an intelligent decision on his part. even less intelligent is the fact that i would rather continue to write in this than go get the stupid wax out of his mouth.

 this would be a great opportunity for me to drink all the carrot juice i have in my fridge that i usually use as an appetite suppressant. that backfired when the carrot juice (because carrots are just intrinsically so disgusting) actually started to make me nauseous, not just un-hungry. so now i have a ton of carrot juice.

the last thing i want to do is finish outlining these GI physio lectures but alas.

also the idea of "if it were easy, everyone would do it" does not, in itself, account for vet school. because not only is it hard it is also really fucking gross. so maybe the saying should be "if it were easy, and didn't involve a ton of shit, everyone would do it."

Wait

They don't love you like I love you.

though lovers be lost, love shall not

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead man naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion. 

Dylan Thomas

No songs left from which to steal

i spent a night talking about how great you are. then i was reminded of your extremely low expectations of me. then i loved you anyway; but wondered where to go from here.

Life's for the living

The lies I was told
The same lies I sold
Those lies were a warmth
when the truth was too cold

The demons i keep
The demons don't weep
The demons just smile
when I cry in my sleep

The life that I found
That life sane and sound
The life that you left
when you started to drown

The words that I write
The words sound so slight
These words are so empty
So hollow. So trite.

I still miss you everyday

the one with my perpetual guilt

If Facebook really knew me, it would stop recommending Bud Light Platinum to me. 


This June, it will be 7 years. I wish you had stuck around so you could laugh at me struggling with and failing at adulthood.

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

-F. Scott

Educational Masochism

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”
- Dorothy Parker 

If some clients ran their dog over with a lawn mower and then proceeded to bring the dog to my non-emergency practice (with its heart beating visibly in an open thoracic cavity), the LAST thing I would do is describe the layers of tissue that the blade went into on the way to the dog's heart. ALSO, the dog is just not going to make it, EVEN IF I KNOW ALL THE PLEURAS! Even if I refer it will still die! BECAUSE EVERYTHING DIES!!!!

 LINEA ALBA. LINEA ALBA. LINEA ALBA. I'm going to name my first born LINEA ALBA.

Just another dreamy day in the life of a first year vet student. HUZZAH.

What do morons say next? "#rantover"






"When I look around, I think this is good enough. And I try to laugh at whatever life brings. Because when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff; and when I look up, I just trip over things."
Ani Difranco

Nostalgia and Hitler

Arrow through the 5th ICS of a dog: 
 
Skin
Fascia
Muscle
Thoracic cavity
Parietal costal pleura
Pleural sac
Visceral pulmonary pleura
LUNG
Visceral pulmonary pleura
Pericardial mediastinal pleura
Fibrous pericardium
Parietal serous pericardium
Pericardial cavity (with fluid)
Visceral serous pericardium (epicardium)
Myocardium
Endocardium


Why am I making a post about this?

When I tell people about the Hitler Goes to Vet School video, they always think it will be really funny; but then they inevitably don't. 


Hitler Goes to Vet School

And so it begins

you are now entering "the engagement zone."

I heard about it but never experienced it firsthand. When 3 friends got engaged within one month, I knew it had begun.

And now the topic of all conversations has shifted. Ever so slightly. Almost imperceptibly More of a sinking feeling than a conscious awareness.

Here we go.

Formalin- makes you cry and gets you high

Vet school: the only professional school with students constantly posting pictures of baby animals on facebook.

Apartment hunting is more entertaining on TV

spending 8 hours in the anatomy lab today made me feel like i know even less about the thorax than i did before. I thought i could come home at 10 and study until 1. I can't.

sometimes I think, "wow, my cat is smart." more often I think, "wow, my cat is not smart."

serratus dorsalis cranialis.

When you see your life in Comic Sans MS

Lost is a show that is completely dependent on audience manipulation. But, I am at a point in my TV watching career where i just don't really care if I'm being manipulated. I actually enjoy it. I realized today that the majority of the pictures on my phone are of my cat... a somewhat depressing realization. I do like my cat, and I do think he is adorable but I have become that owner. The owner that thinks her male cat always has a UTI. The owner that feeds her cat canned food only. The owner that refuses to use clay litter. It is ridiculous but I'm really not surprised. The quiz today was exhausting. I would prefer to never seem my results. Midterms in just over a week! Huzzah! I'm trying to get a lab animal medicine fellowship over the summer. I hope, if i get it, someone from PETA throws blood on me. Since the fellowship is at UIC, I don't think its entirely out of the realm of possibility that I would encounter an angry PETA member. "Animal rightsists" (as they are fondly called) are straight up INSANE.

tuesday night fun house

there has been a breach in my concentration. I dont know how i will ever know enough. I also don't know why my cat chews on electrical cords. I'm dreading this  quiz Friday. Quarter systems suck. why does anyone think they are a good idea? Instead of studying, I am writing cards to people on my personalized Disney princess stationary. huzzah.

my glasses are ombre

I bought new Kinvaras and registered for the Geist Half. The thought of running a half marathon in schaumburg, or anywhere in illinois for that matter, is completely nauseating, so indianapolis seems like the natural next move. it is also flat. i won't train for a while because of the vein laser i had today. my leg is killing me. marianos is the most amazing grocery store. i saw silver linings play book with linda tonight. i should be in champaign right now. OOPS.

Someday at Christmas

I'm excited for break if for no other reason than to get away from the constant status updating about studying for finals. SHUT UP. we are all studying finals. I really don't understand why you think telling everyone about how many hours you've been studying today is important or worthwhile or relevant to anyone else. I studied today and THEN I TOOK A NAP! oh my god! ill probably fail because I haven't stared aimlessly at my notes for hours on end. Jesus christ. and now I'm updating this instead of studying neuro. and don't even get me started on histo.

Its taking every ounce of self control i have to not go into the kitchen and eat handfuls of apple cinnamon cheerios. that is one of the saddest statements of 2012.

the christmas stockings are as empty as my heart.



grinchy grinch grinch.

Those days you forget to wear deodorant

Messy stressy. I have a headache. How did it already become Wednesday night?!!?! this anatomy lab final is going to kill me... at least it will if psycho kitten doesn't kill me first. I think he is more than 5 pounds now. But it is really hard to tell. He still seems tiny compared to adult cats. I can't believe i have finals next week. I love getting emails about the interest that my loan is collecting. At least they only disburss 20k at a time so I had one semester with interest only collected on that 20,000 instead of the full 40! yay! stacks on stacks on stacks. I'm very ready for Christmas break.

Lady Lazarus

I wanted to go to bed early because this day was just terrible. But now i just want to watch movies. I started "Lost" against my better judgment. I should have watched "Much Ado About Nothing" because it is a great play. I wanted to name Olive "Hero" but I didn't think anyone would get that it was a Shakespeare reference. Plus if you damage the spinal cord, everything is not "FINE" once you sew them up. I know that much is true.

Atlas is not being the devil tonight. which is nice for a change.

The quiz today was absolutely awful.

Am I still what you're looking for?

I am grateful for everyday my cat is not satan


I can't be anyone but who I've always been.

I will always burn the popcorn. I will always be the loudest person in the room. I will always be stubborn and impatient. I will always sing the same verse of one song over and over again. I will always be outspoken. I will always prefer sweatpants over jeans. I will always love lame sitcoms. I will always hate going to clubs. I will always start projects I don't finish. I will always be terrible at crafts. I will always want to go out to eat rather than cook. I will always love beer, even if I don't drink it. I will always be melodramatic. I will always exaggerate everything. I will always need an SSRI. I will always be annoyed with stupid people. I will always be a cynic. I will always be trying to reach self-actualization. I will always push buttons. I will always hate doing laundry. I will always want to order dessert. I will always steal your fries. I will always hate driving.

I will always answer your calls. I will always laugh at your jokes. I will always bake you cupcakes. I will always go on bike rides with you. I will always try to make you laugh. I will always watch scary movies with you. I will always eat pizza with you. I will always tell you that you're smart and capable. I will always believe we have a future. I will always support you. I will always miss you when I'm gone. I will always wait up for you to come home. I will always surprise you with beer. I will always go to hot yoga with you. I will always pick you up if you can't drive home. I will always hold your hand. I will always want to be your family. I will always love you .

i take the right pills everyday

why am i failing at succeeding at so many different things at the same time?

divide and fall apart.

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday. repeat. so simple and so impossible. in my dreams i am the person you need. in my dreams i can save myself.


"It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I'd found myself onto something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again

Until I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
As I talk in circles around you on my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold

In disgrace with a shameful regret
As I speak in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time"

i'll be ready for the funeral

we are not strong enough to get through a bad weekend. we are too far gone to remember what we ever had that was worth fighting for. we are too exhausted to look for it. we said so many things and made so many plans that don't seem to matter anymore. "If you love someone but you just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?" "never." that idea was always something to hold on to when i felt like we were drowning. but it really doesn't save you if only one person believes it. I'm still saying never but i think you're saying today.



Build a wall of books between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was so strange and likeable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person, unlovable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head 

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

over and out

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

years built on sand

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.


Emptiness caught the better half of me
Concrete is my memory
My blood turned into a mean streak
Twisting every part of us.
Don’t say it’s all
don’t say it’s all been lost.

tortuous and torturous

Today was the first lab practical of anatomy and it was ridiculous. nothing brings you down quite like the equine hind limb. to say it was a brutal and violent slaughter of self-confidence would be an understatement. and for Shakespeare to have written tragedies without ever having taken gross anatomy, that's the real tragedy. who knows how sad and tragic Ophelia's character could have been if he had.

the youth of the nation

my kitten has no concept of object permanence.

The times, changes, etc.

sometimes i think about the people who used to dominate the way i felt about myself and I honestly cant believe it. the beauty of facebook is that it allows me to see everyone in a new light, in a revelatory light. my parents were right. the people i cared about so deeply when i was 13 ended up amounting to nothing. like seriously nothing. i almost feel bad saying it because there is a nostalgic part of me that naively believes these ridiculous people know i exist.

i also feel bad saying anyone amounted to nothing because who am i to judge? but this is my forum and its full of my judgments already so i might as well just alienate myself even further. let us say, for argument's sake, that my idea of 'amounting to nothing' involves not going to going to college/going to jail/being a career whole foods employee. because in this version of my life, those three scenarios adequately describe the current status of the people i thought were SOOO cool in my formative years.

i don't want to dwell on the jail thing, because frankly its not really that funny and i don't know much about it. but suffice it to say that when you are making facebook status updates about how you spent the last 40 days in cook county department of corrections, its time to rethink your life choices. i guess shit happens when you date musicians who are famous for 5 minutes before falling off the face of the earth.

HW is obviously the more entertaining character in this story. The recording artist, self-proclaimed health guru, and whole foods employee with an ill-founded vendetta against modern medicine. I could go on all day but i really have significantly more important things to do. i really just want to quote and laugh at a few brilliantly ignorant comments he has made public to the world via facebook, obviously.

"Your body has amazing healing capabilities if fed organic fruits and vegetables. Disease and cancer cannot exist in an alkaline environment" 

this is a moment when "WTF" is a totally appropriate response. first of all, i would say cancer could potentially exist anywhere. it is like the cockroach of disease. it is a survivor. it will never get voted off the island. Secondly, your body will never be an "alkaline environment." what does that even mean? UGH i could write a dissertation on how fucking moronic that sentence is. maybe i will if i get into an Oncology residency

"you get what you deserve in life."

no. you get what you get in life, whether you deserve it or not is completely irrelevant.


the take away message here is that my parents have been right about 98% of the time throughout my life. and i've been right about 40% of the time. i can only hope that as i get older (and obviously wiser) that i will be right about things more often than i'm not. anyway, this is my only rant before midterms.

i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see my darling Matt so we can watch movies and eat popcorn all week.

Cats are not small dogs

I would love to pass midterms. It is both relieving and terrifying that I only have 5 days until the anatomy/histology/radiology practical and 7 days until day one of midterms. Vet school may be a marathon, but the next week is just an all out sprint.


Thanksgiving, I will see you soon.

the country that eats its young

I think it takes balls to be a conservative woman today. and that is pathetic. It is just really not cool to be anything other than liberal. I'm so sick of the propaganda. I'm sick of people saying that conservatives are all homophobic, woman-hating, and uneducated. I'm sick of people deciding to be democrats but remaining completely politically ignorant.

I'm glad everyone voted for Obama because he's such a rock star. It is irrelevant that he's done absolutely nothing the last 4 years. It's MUCH better to have a sitting duck presidency than take all the (completely rational) risks associated with electing Romney, i.e. converting the whole country to Mormonism, making abortion illegal, taking away the right to vote from women, black people, and hispanics, and, of course, stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. That about sums up his platform, right?

does anyone who voted for Obama really know what his platform was for his second term? does anyone who voted for Obama know what a political platform is? DOWN WITH THE 1%, right? yeah. that about sums it up.

Here is my selfish political agenda:
1. I don't believe in the redistribution of wealth. at all. I want to decide what happens to the money I make.
2. I don't want to give any of my money to fight wars that don't involve me or my country.
3. I don't believe in welfare. at all.
4. I don't believe in punishing successful businesses or making up arbitrary income amounts (i.e. $250k./year) that guide tax brackets
5. I do believe in hard work
6. I do believe in personal accountability and an individually determined sense of moral obligation
7. I do believe in free will
8. I do believe in capitalism
9. I do believe in a balanced FUCKING budget

There is truly no such thing as a free lunch and I promise you, despite what he says, Obama can't give you one.

Today will not live on in infamy. But someone in the future is going to look back and wonder what could have possibly motivated us to make this decision for the future of our country.

drink coffee, make more, try to stay alive

This morning I dropped my foster "Hazel" off at 6:45 and she continues her trip from the dirty south up to Minneapolis. She was an extremely sweet and emaciated little Pitbull who had recently had puppies. Judging by her perfectly white teeth, she was probably less than 2 years old. Despite the fact that she had no table manners, tried to eat my dinner out of my hands, pooped on my floor right in front of me, was in heat and actively bleeding, and probably had fleas that she gave to my apartment, i really liked her.

i'm not going to get on my soap box about Pitbulls because i feel like i'm always on a soap box about something. and i hate the phrase "get on a soap box." why is it so common? or if it isn't common, why is it common at illinois vet med? because I heard it at least 5 times during the 2 days of orientation and i have heard it sporadically since then; and now i'm using it! where was i going with this? Right. Pitbulls. They are as nice and sweet as any other dog could potentially be (with the obvious exception of Sheba Inus, who are incapable of being sweet without malicious undertones... or just incapable period.) HAH! not kidding.

Today I pick up Atlas at 3! I've already spent at least $100 on cat stuff and that doesn't even include a litter box or litter or food. well it includes a little bit of food. I'm a very concerned cat owner already hahaha. Thanks to the Purina and Hills feeding programs, I can ALMOST afford to feed him only wet food, which is the goal. I'm worried he will be bored when I'm at class. especially on mondays and wednesdays when I'm gone from 9-6.  why am i getting a 12 week old kitten?!!? I guess i really am a masochist.

Its amazing how much time i spend studying and now i say things like  "I only got 2 or 3 solid hours of studying done yesterday, but I swear I'll be more productive today."

Today, if i play my cards right, I should get at least 6 hours and hopefully 7.

I just want to get a C on this quiz tomorrow but i would obviously also accept a B. The idea of an A is hilarious!

cranial tibial! cranial tibial! cranial tibial!

weathering well the perpetual storm

Will we ever know how close I came to being broken? I don't think I will ever get to be one of those people who is the same person all the time. I can't even stay the same person throughout a day. this doesn't make sense. maybe I'm the bipolar one. I feel like i am burning and drowning at the same time. all these tiny battles against myself that i just cannot win. i want the version of my life where i am given everything and i am happy. because the version where i am given everything and i am not happy is exhausting.

Can you chase this fire away?


"And as the world comes to an end
I'll be here to hold your hand
Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart."
of monsters and men

am i doing something wrong? probably.

sometimes i feel like people here do like me, but then they never actually invite me out anywhere or try to hang out with me. its like everyone bonded with everyone else but somehow i missed out on that. maybe i act like i don't care; i think i've even partially convinced myself that i don't. but apparently i do because it totally bums me out when i'm at home on a saturday night and the rest of my class is out at bars together. even if i don't even want to go out with them. i would really just like to hang out with my boyfriend. its easy and comfortable and i know he actually likes me.

and why am i so overly agreeable around new people?  why do i pretend to like things that i clearly dont? why do i have extensive conversations with my peers here about bullshit that i could not care less about? why do i even tolerate people here who brag about how much they study and how much they know and how MOTHER FUCKING smart they are? why do i worry about what these people will think of me? and, more importantly, why do i even think they can see anyone beyond their own over-inflated egos.

i can only be this version of myself. 


so far i really don't like vet school. and i have no idea what to do about that.


why is every step i take just a means to an end? is my life really just a means to a means with no end?


why am i in a perpetual state of existential crisis?


oh. wait. this is why no one invites me out.

the epitome of productivity

I just came into my living room to sit down and study (more) with my second glass of wine and I was thinking about what a witty and clever facebook status I could make about some non-existent adage that wine is a proven study aid for gross anatomy memorization when I spilled my wine all over the floor. This could have happened because either a) it is in my very nature to spill/break anything and everything I touch or b) God is trying to ruin my witty facebook status while at the same time telling me i shouldn't be drinking while i study.

I decided it was probably choice b (because I am that egocentric); and just to throw it in God's face, I poured myself another glass of wine.

 On a semi-unrelated note, vet school is really hard. Don't believe anyone who says "the hardest part is getting in." That part actually wasn't that hard (said while patting myself on the back), the hard part is distinguishing between some muscle of the hind limb that i don't know and some other muscle of the hind limb that i don't know. The hard part is just staying sane after being in lecture for 19 hours a week and lab for 10 hours a week. 29 hours?! you really can't believe it, can you? Its enough formalin exposure to make your nose bleed (I should know because mine did.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, cry me a river. I asked for this didn't I? I spent 3 years working towards this, right? To quote the insightful words of my mother, "Audrey, you never like anything in the moment it is happening. You only like things in retrospect."

Now my wine is gone and I didn't get a chance to put my non-existent adage to the test.



“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.”
F.  Scott Fitzgerald 

me: its not open very late though so we might end up with pizza, UH OH!
matt: TRAGEDY!

it really is all about the little things.

Ode to Parenthood

Thank you for believing in me. It is so great that even though I majored in English and graduated with a GPA at least .4 points below the average of accepted veterinary students and yet still got through my prerequisite classes and gained acceptance to not one but THREE veterinary schools, you still don't think I am responsible enough to take care of a fucking cat. It is awesome that you think that you will end up with this cat when I fail at caring for it. Even though caring for it is what my whole fucking career is revolving around. I don't mean to get on a soap box but, for the love of God, I am getting my doctorate and you don't think I can handle a cat. Its not like I bought a Great Dane puppy from a breeder for $2000. Its amazing that for my whole life, I had no idea where I developed this self-centered and entitled view of the world, and the entire time, it has come from watching you. Thanks!

ENFP

For years, I have told people that when I took the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory my freshman year in high school I ended up as an ENTP and not an ENFP (which I actually am). I actually think I do fall into some middle ground between the two, but that could be entirely because I have manipulated myself into being that way. I wish I were really as cunning and witty as I pretend to be. It seems like one letter is a minor change, but to me, that difference between thinking and feeling could undermine or support my entire position of credibility to a client. SAD.

Damages is such a good show. .It is worth losing sleep over. Also, I am done with my modules and ready to get completely skewered when lectures start in my first "real" quarter of vet school.

Wish me luck as I begin my journey into the abyss.

And when I skin my cadaver dog on Monday, I will prevail!

communication breakdown

If you think everything is running smoothly, don't worry, it is not.

waiting for superman

A thousand things I would like to comment regarding the future version of myself but I will refrain...

1. will i raise my children to be religious? or even to accept Christianity? I don't even know if I am really a true Christian despite the fact that I will always say I am Lutheran if someone asks what religion I am. The idea of religion is very difficult to me. I don't know if I truly feel like I believe in a higher power or if I just respect and worship my mother so much and to such a high degree that I can't imagine not believing in something in which she believes so strongly. I don't want to disappoint my mother or let down my children. Is there a religion or a system that will work?

2. Will I send my kids to public schools? Since I am a Republican, I don't feel any political obligation to put my kids in public school. Although, I don't feel I was failed by public schools. But I also don't feel like I was encouraged and pushed to meet my full potential, whatever that happened to be at the time. The most annoying thing ever is a democrat who preaches endlessly about how shitty public education is in America and how public schools have failed and how its our responsibility to fix them (and obviously raise taxes to do this),  and then they send their kids to private schools. I think good teachers are crucial and should be well payed and respected, but these unions are getting ridiculous and need major reform. I want to go to law school for the sole purpose of educational reform (and possibly some tort reform just for the fun of it.) At times, I have encouraged Matt to pursue secondary education because I know he would be great at teaching and reaching kids, but then I see how our education system is so utterly fucked and I bite my tongue.

Where do we go from here?

I eat the M&Ms out of trail mix

I submitted this picture of Axel for a calendar and I hope he wins! All the pictures I printed of Olive looked less cute so I am putting all my eggs in the Axel basket. If he wins, he gets a photo shoot hahahahahaha. I need to do laundry but don't want to walk next door to do it. I also need to finish my dentistry presentation on senior animal dental care.

I wish i could remember every one liner from 30 rock that i want to re-quote. If i watch too many episodes in a row, i start to imagine myself as Liz Lemon. As an unfunny, not-as-witty version of Liz Lemon.

How is my gas bill $74 this month? I only use the microwave! Being poor sucks. Also, I'm scared to apply for the Army scholarship because I don't want to lose clinical skills... or be sent to Ft Sill in Oklahoma. I'm just considering joining the reserves after graduation because they will pay my debt too, but not the interest, which sucks and will likely be at least $20,000 on its own. My debt is like buying a house; either a modest house in the suburbs, or a badass studio loft in uptown.

Last night, the debates made me love Ron Paul even more. Why is the world so blind to the rationality of libertarianism?

5 year engagement

today i extracted 3 teeth out of a dead dog head. when you don't have the leverage of the body, its really hard to get the teeth out. dentisty is definitely not the specialty for me. in a way this is good to know considering i change my mind about a specialty every day.

Silas was just drinking Refreshe seltzer water on Weeds. which is hilarious because it is the Safeway brand. I can't stand him right now.

my apartment is a mess. i hate cleaning more than almost anything else.

waiting to live, waiting to die

waiting for an absolution that would never come.

living alone is totally boring.

dentistry next week means practicing dentals on dead dog heads and getting out before lunch!

the junior surgery adoptable dogs are so fucking cute.

all i ever had, redemption songs

add it to the endless list of all the things i'll never miss.

i have this pillow with birds on it. i don't use it or the chair it sits on. but i like that they are there.

life changes so profoundly in ways we never could have predicted, but i still cry when i watch Forrest Gump and Titanic.

i hate meeting new people 97% of the time, which is why i am friends with 3% of my class.

entropy.

The Patriot?

I guess I'm joining the army. Wish me years of debt-free luck!

say something profound

I miss my dogs. I love goats. I miss home.

Things for this weekend:

1. see my pups
2. go to Bigby's
3. eat Lou's
4. sleep in

I'll be missing an Illini tailgate day, but I'm pretty sure I'll survive.

Song of myself

Happy 94th birthday, Paul Billhymer.

In light of that, the things I do on a daily basis are more than slightly unimpressive.

Now I just need to decide whether or not to join the army. In order to do that, I have to figure out what $200,000 is worth to me.

25 years or debt or 8 years of service?

The possibilities are endless.

Syncope

How do we know where to go from here? How do we know when to go there?

longing for something. more?

something is missing. or is it? how do we ever know what direction we should take? how do we ever know which path is less traveled? and if we should even take the path less traveled? How do we know if it will make any difference at all, let alone "all" the difference?

do we stop asking questions because we believe or do we stop asking questions because we stop caring about the answer?

when do we get to the point where enough is enough?

and then how do we keep going?

Two Hearted

I love oncology. I also love surgery.

I like the idea of specializing.

what budget?

As fiscally savvy as my parents have always been, it would have been nice to get a little guidance regarding the $160,000 of debt that I am about to have (and the $40,000 I currently do.) With 6.8% interest.

Living alone is also a lot more boring and lonely than I thought it would be.

I also kind of love my relationship. It is kind of awesome.

Specialties are  confusing. I don't know what I want to do. the idea of an additional 4 years after this first 4 is just crazy. But maybe worth it.

happier

i'm happy with my life. i'm happy with where it is going. i'm nervous about rotations.

bend not break

someday, if i pass, i'll be a doctor.

i dare anyone to say "not a real one."

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

Sawyer Exton
Isla Eleanor
Rowan Ione

2 guys, one cyst.

Matt and my dad popped a boil on top of my head today. I couldn't see but they said it was disgusting. They also said they couldn't get the core out so I have to wait another week for it to re-puss up and then they can try again.

I quit my job on Friday. I started crying when I hugged the boss that I've spent the last 3 years both complaining about and praising. In the end, however, I have no illusions of grandeur regarding the profession I am entering, and I feel more confident about my decision than I would if I had worked anywhere else. He even bought me a really nice stethoscope because I complained that I don't have any money left to buy one.

Matt and I are getting married at Crab Lake. 8/5/2017. seriously. I figure if we make it a decade before getting married, we might actually have a shot at making it until death.

My one year old goldendoodle limps horribly every day. I plan to get a CT scan on her elbow when I get down to school. I hope its something surgical and not something that could cut her life short but a decade. I just keep telling myself that if it were cancer, she would have died by now. How pleasant. This dog is my life. I am going to die at school without her. Its just too bad she loves Axel way more than me. I guess we all just want love from those unwilling to return it. I know she really does love me though... really...

This boil on my head really hurts. Thanks, dad.

I won't go my whole life telling you I don't need.

I wish I could start a blog over. I wish I could begin as a new person. I wish I could let go of everything that I have been for the last 10 years. I can't.

I burn and build bridges.

I was accepted at 3 of the 6 vet schools I applied to including Kansas State, UMN, and U of I. I'm starting at U of I in a few weeks. This is uncommon. I must interview well. I must lie well.

I'm moving to Champaign next week into a 1 bedroom apartment that is way too expensive for me. It doesn't have a dishwasher, washer/dryer, or AC. These loans are making me panic.

Yesterday, Matt got upset because I doubted the sincerity of a former friend who had reached out to him. He remarked that it was he who stopped talking to the friend first, and not the other way around; thus implying it is different from my own personal experiences with former friends. Truth. This induced a genuine panic attack that lasted well into the early morning.

I hate buying scrubs.

I've been tired for days and days.

So much for running towards self-actualization

indefinitely out of commission as a runner; likely permanently out of commission. its no longer safe or responsible for me to run distances longer than 5 miles. oh well. that was fast.

The question

I now know that I would rather be really normal and really happy than really skinny and really crazy. This is more than an epiphany; this is taking back my life.

Watch your step

Throwing up and increased drinking generally arent  good signs of anything. I hope its nothing. I really do love my psychotic dog.

"In memory, everything seems to happen to music."

positively 4th street

run run as fast as you can

at least 7 miles was good yesterday. next year i want to run the Indy Mini and the Geist Half. i guess i'm not running any races this year other than the marathon. its slightly alarming. why aren't there more races on sundays? i can't just take every saturday off to go pay someone to time me while i run however many miles. but i really wish i could. i guess i'll run this half in Batavia even though the course has the dreaded "rolling hills." UGH

My impending doom

I finally got up the courage to email my Olaf professors for letters of recommendation. I felt totally stupid about going on and on about my stupid life but I hope they understand. I actually just hope they remember who I am. All this time, I thought I was a pretty memorable person, even if for the wrong reasons, but now I'm not so sure. I can't believe I'm applying in a few months, this is terrifying. I can't believe I have to request transcripts from Olaf, NIU, Syracuse, and Harper and then have them sent to U of I, U of M, Purdue, Kansas State, and Oregon State. Before that, I pretty much have to get a perfect score on the GRE on June 23rd. And before THAT I have to figure out how to get an A in physics and make sure I keep my A in stats. Then I have to celebrate Eric's 21st birthday and hopefully convince him that Gameworks is actually not a cool place to go for any day let alone for your 21st birthday.

No subject. Ever.

I'm worried about the direction my life is taking. Who am I? Im exhausted. With my life.

what is the rest of my life?

recurring dreams almost every night. i wrote a poem as i was falling asleep and i rhymed every line with hour. it was pretty bad. this morning i wrote a haiku comparing my contacts to jelly fish. thank god i don't remember it. other than something about both swimming freely in a sea of saline. i ate too much today.

Irony

If you hate everyone on Facebook and you hate all status updates and everything that Facebook "stands for," why not just delete it? Why do you care so much about what everyone else is saying that you feel the need to retort  via a new status? I just don't get how its worth the energy.

In other news I ate half of a large Lou malnatis thin crust.

Atrophy

4 days of not running has been awesome! I really don't know why I decided to try and run a Marathon. I hate exercise. I also hate anyone who woke up at 5am today just to watch the royal wedding.

Ew chai tea is spicy

There is a duck nest right next to our porch and the momma duck gets scared if you go in or out of the front door so now we only use the garage.

how am i not myself?

Eminem is playing at lollapalooza this year so every cloud has a silver lining. the cloud just happens to be my existence. i need to go read some Camus and ponder my insignificance.

cry cry cry.

we're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs.

me: "Eric, you would be a terrible air traffic controller."
my dad: "No he wouldn't, i think he would be great at it."

chicanery

if i get two cats i'm going to name them Nefarious and Perfidy. If i only get one cat i will name him Nefarious, unless he already comes with a name and it happens to be Stan, in which case, i will leave it.

i feel like the percent yield of my life is much lower than 100%.

i forgot to do my physics lab write up. oops.

Waste of a studying day

Ran at 7:30 am- 4 miles. It felt slow. My left leg hurts in a really strange way. Almost like its bruised all the way down. I didn't eat or drink anything before I went and that probably contributed to it feeling so rough.  My leg is starting to worry me.

Easter in Milwaukee was surprisingly uneventful and I probably should have stayed home and studied all day. I'm really tired now and don't want anything to do with physics. I hope that organic lab quiz isn't tomorrow.

run blogging

i figured the easiest way to keep track of my running was to write it on here. this could be obnoxious if anyone read this, but since no one does, at least it serves as a record keeper. hopefully i will be able to look at this and see if certain aspects of my day affect my run more than others i.e. sleep/food choice/time of run/hydration. i'm sure it will provide a lot more insight once i start wearing my watch and pacing but i'm still too scared of knowing how slow i am.

today i ate oatmeal at 7:30AM. i ran at 4 pm. an hour before my run i ate some pita chips and hummus and a banana. i ran 7 miles in my kinvaras and had absolutely no issues. my arches and knees feel fine. i never felt "tired." i noticed i was running more midfooty at the beginning and it almost felt like prancing. it was kind of awesome. hopefully ill be able to prance for longer distances as i wear them more often. i drank a little gatorade right before the run and 28 oz of water throughout the morning. i drank some more gatorade around mile 5. overall it was a successful run and i felt happy and fast and maybe not quite as knock kneed.

i've kind of given up on the brooks because they really hurt my knee and that's an injury that isn't worth the $100 i paid for the shoes. As for the triumphs, since they are significantly heavier than the kinvaras, i kind of don't want to race in them. i ran in the new ones once and they felt clunky and i felt slow. that's not really a fair chance but i did also feel rubbing in the exact same blister spot as my last triumphs despite ordering another half size bigger. this is really annoying because they were expensive and now they are dirty and i can't send them back.

Perfunctory

It took over a year for the swelling from my varicose vein removal to go away. Now I'm starting to get another one in the same leg. Awesome.

Uriah Heap

My runs are either great or awful. Usually they are enjoyable on the days I least expect them to be. Today was one of those days.

Anxiety attack almost started in the pharmacy line at Walgreens. Ironically while trying to pick up a prescription for Xanax. I hope I can stop crying and hyperventilating during physics tests because its more than slightly embarrassing.

I love studying GRE vocabulary. Mostly because I love using big words and alienating people.

Bombastic.

i still believe in capitalism.

I guess if i want cheap vans they are going to have to be pink and purple. i don't know if i want cheap vans that badly.

Liberals really confuse me. I don't think i could ever vote democrat for the following reasons:

1. I would like be able to decide where the money that I earn goes. Ideally, I would like it to go to me.
2. I do not believe in the equal redistribution of wealth.
3. Obama (and all the progress he's made)

just because i am fiscally conservative does not mean that i am pro-life/anti-gay/war-loving/planned parenthood hating/environment hating; but i really do love being categorized as all these things.

Our morally bankrupt government has been masquerading as Robin Hood and has successfully convinced an ignorant american population that we live in a society where "everybody wins" if you allocate correctly.

wrong.

Split ends

Its gets harder everyday to convince my body that diet coke is a legitimate meal.

Cryptic

5 is the new 4.

4,5,5,4,0,6,7.

Summer: Portland,  GRE, tough mudder, decorating the cabin, riding my bike to work, not taking any classes, running at the hottest point of the day, likely retaking the GRE, visiting U of I, day drinking.

Its weird to think that ill actually be applying in 5 months. Its weird that the direction my life is going to take will be determined in 10 months.

I wish I were more interesting and had ample material for my personal statement. Unfortunately, I'm not and I don't.

Throw some glitter.

I can't wait for this semester to be over. I cant wait to stop feeling guilty for watching a movie instead of studying. I'm actually looking forward to studying for the GRE. I'm not looking forward to getting in touch with Olaf professors for letters of rec and I need to do that sooooooooon.

Cyclic

Oscillating between moments of paralyzing anxiety and drunken abandon, I find myself at a crossroads.

Connected. Estranged.

Stop updating re: running

Ill blog all I want about running because im the only one who reads this anyway. but I swear im going to delete anyone I'm friends with on facebook who continuously posts status updates about every single fucking run. I don't care that you just ran 7 miles and it was so windy! Also you don't need to Carb load before an 8k. Its 5 miles, get over yourself.

i hate running shoes

my tab to date on running shoes to replace my saucony triumph 7's is over $400. hopefully ill be able to at least take 100 of that off since i just ordered (as i always knew i would) 2 pairs of triumph 8s. one in 9.5 wide and one 10 reg. these are both an attempt to get ride of the constant blister on the inside of my foot from friction. i will keep the kinvaras i guess and i have no choice but to keep the adrenaline gts 11s since ive already run 22 miles in them but i'm so fucking annoyed for the following reasons:

1. a stability shoe does not prevent my knees from knocking or my ankles from pronating
2. gts 11s make my feet burn after 2 miles even with the lightest socks i own  in 60 degree weather (wtf?)
3. triumph 7s create huge blisters on the inside of my foot but are other wise perfect
4. gts 11s make my left knee ache horribly after only 6 miles
5. gts 11s make my right foot numb
6. superfeet kill my arches when they are supposed to support and help them
7. triumphs are a neutral shoe, which is what everyone tells me i should NOT be in, yet they feel better than every stability shoe i've tried.
8. i'm not fat but i can't seem to let go of a really cushioned running shoe.
9. why are my feet so hot in these adrenalines??!??!?!??

i'm so glad i bought these shoes in the most obnoxious colors they make them in because now i'm too poor to buy new birkenstocks and i have to wear these as my every day shoes and they are bright purple or bright pink (kinvaras) and i will look like some REI camper every day of my life when i really just want to be wearing new (discrete) birkenstocks with sweatpants and never have to wear jeans again because i hate them.

the weather was awesome today. the wind was not. hopefully the cabin will be finished by memorial day weekend. i'm not taking any classes this summer so i can decorate it fabulously. i'm quickly losing momentum for this "calling" that i had 2.5 years ago. MBA school sounds fabulous now.

i wish i didn't have to go to dick pond to get the right shoes. i wish someone could just tell me that my triumphs are ok even though i look like a goon running in them and 12 year old girls make fun of me and mock my stride while i pass them on the sidewalk. talk about a shot to the ego.

What do yu say?

Nothing, except this sucks

The times, they are...

I guess its too far gone to go back now. I took the blame before and rightfully so. But maybe its a "two roads diverged" scenario now. And in my heart I kind of knew the last time you left that you wouldn't be coming back. All the best, none the less.

that was quick

minimalist running is not for me.... and the search continues. i have a feeling im just going to end up in a new pair of triumphs... oh well.

if i were better, would life be better?

I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
I walk on down the hill,
through grass, grown tall and brown
and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.

ray lamontagne

that's farce, that's the theatre, that's life.

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

The only consistency is change

Somedays its easy to convince yourself of who you are; most days its not.

Blah run blah

Yesterday PR 4 mile- 32:35

Sorry, your dog is an ass.

"She has separation anxiety. She's from a shelter."

The amount of people who claim their pets were abused just because they came from a shelter would lead you to believe there is an animal abuser around every corner. Maybe its true because everyone knows that there are sexual predators lurking in every window well you pass.

Maybe your dog wasn't abused at all. Maybe your dog is just a dick and that's why its in a shelter.

Updated black list:

Rotties

Huskies

Shiba inus

GSDs

Doxies

Beagles

St Bernards

Cockers

Chows

Akitas

my foray into "minimalist" running

After i ordered my saucony progrid paramount 3's a few days ago, i immediately had doubts. My biggest concern was that it is my first real stability shoe (other than 11 miles in asics gel kayano 14's last summer with foot numbing results). I've poured over websites over the last few days, mostly because of anxiety caused by the paramounts, and i'm starting to realize that maybe a stability shoe isn't necessary. I've always run in heavy, clunky, high platformed running shoes... and for the most part they have been saucony triumphs. i love this brand and its unlikely that i will ever really be able to convince myself to buy a pair of asics/mizunos/nikes/brooks again, even though they are usually prettier. i wanted a racing flat that could help cut seconds off my mile times and reduce the foot fatigue i have during longer runs. minimalist is so trendy right now, and since i'm so trendy, i thought i might as well explore it. i have pretty much decided to start with the saucony (shock) kinvara. its not minimalist like the 5 fingers (thank god) and true minimalists are disparaging it because it has non-minimalist tendencies. i appreciate this. i'm not ready to run 20 miles on sidewalks with nothing but a thin piece of rubber under my feet. ive decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a neutral "minimalist" shoe even though i've been diagnosed with overpronation.

the diagnosis in itself is a little suspicious. stereotypically, overpronators are flat footed and suppinators have high arches. but "experts" have determined that i am both an overpronator and highly arched. this makes buying the right running shoes all the more complicated and it usually involves a ton of cushioning and inserts. i'm hoping that the kinvara will pull back the veil on this phenomenon of a diagnosis and determine whether or not it actually makes a difference.

although i did get a sick deal on the paramounts, i will probably be returning them for kinvaras. its interesting because i always thought the most expensive running shoes were the best, but they really are just the heaviest with the most extra material. i know i'm not fat enough to need all that extra cushioning so i'm going to be a big girl and get rid of it... at least for now.

Add shiba inus to the black list

Being sick over spring break is something I'm fantastically good at. I refuse to skip another day of running. I'm actually kind of excited about the idea of potentially going to human medical school.

Thick blood

I love daylight savings because I can run everyday after work without it being black as pitch by 7.

I don't love that I've gotten so used to running in freezing weather that I feel the need to run in a tank top and shorts when its 53 degrees.

Whats with fat people and cavaliers?

I want a poptart! I ran 6.3 miles today. I am going to register for the tough mudder on Friday! I'm so excited!

I truly annoy myself

All I did tonight was complain and feel sorry for myself. I ate way too much and didn't study at all. Now I'm fat AND stupid.

Kicking off spring break with a bang!

Additionally, Carmen is a really long opera and the translated lines are kind of cheesey. But I'm worldly and therefore I opera.

completely lost

i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i'm probably not going to get into vet school and because of this, i'm really trying to explore my other options. it would be nice if my parents would pay for grad school but they won't, and therefore, i am extremely weary of even applying to law school due to such high unemployment rates of new grads. with the expectation of at least $175k in loans after graduation, the possibility alone of not finding a job is enough to make me really reconsider the entire field. the current idea i have actually uses all of the prereqs i've spent the last 2 years of my life getting, which is nice. and the idea is............. D.O. school. i've pretty much decided that MD is not really for me. the competition alone is enough to drive me to suicide. the only problem with either of these ideas is the mcat, and the fact that it contains physics AND orgo. I honestly think i would be ok with the chem... but absolutely not the physics. i would just have to hope that my bio and verbal scores somehow outweigh physics. and definitely take a kaplan class. speaking of which, i haven't even registered for the GRE, let alone GRE prep. probably because i'm just trying to avoid the inevitable failure associated with taking it and every decision i make thereafter.

i'm really sick of not being a competitive applicant. its by far the most frustrating and annoying and honestly debilitating part of my life right now. i can't make up for my first 2 years of college. there is truly nothing i can do about it. my grades are cast in stone. its hard to imagine that 2 years of subpar grades could determine the rest of your life, but alas, there it is. i'm constantly wondering where i should take this class, or where i should take that one. will it make a difference? is this a high enough level? should i even take a class this summer or just get an internship? when do i need to take animal nutrition? which online class should i take? will it make a difference? is this all for absolutely nothing? what am i supposed to do if i'm 25 and rejected? reapply? move on? where do you go from there? should i go on the mission trip to increase my volunteer experience? do i have enough volunteer experience? do i have enough large animal experience? how involved should this experience be? how will i get in touch with profs from st. olaf who are writing these reqs? will they write more reqs for different professional schools if i get rejected? how am i going to pay for this? if i go to DO at Midwestern will i really live at home until im 30? should i apply to MD too? at siu? at rosalind franklin? can i even apply all my vet clinic experience to human medicine? if not, how will i get enough human medicine experience before i apply?

i should have actually used my CNA, i should have done better at syracuse, i should have just STAYED at syracuse. I should have tried harder at olaf. i should NEVER have gone to olaf. i should have worked harder to get internships. i should have stayed in touch with professors. i should have just applied to law school a year ago. i should have taken organic over the school year. i should have taken physics at northern. i shouldn't have switched to English. I should have just stayed a bio major and then gotten my masters during this complete waste of time and life that i'm in right now.

i'm beyond hoping for the best. i'm not even convinced its worth my time to even apply. i really don't know where to go from here. i'm sick of people telling me i'll get in when they know i probably won't. i'm sick of the "anything is possible" mentality. NO IT FUCKING ISN'T.

its hard to be real with yourself. but its probably harder for the people i love to be real with me.

at every occasion, i'll be ready for the funeral

i'm sick of you calling other girls fat.


i also owned my physics quiz (!!!)

It all comes back to poland

Polish or Polish?

Pollock or pollock?

I love English. Mostly because of its complexities. of course, I haven't started studying for the GRE yet so that very well could change. I'm annoyed that the Royal Veterinary College requires the GRE Bio subject test but ill probably take it anyway just because I would like to go to a royal school.

During Scrabble tonight, I got 44 points off of "query." And it doesn't even seem like a real word the more I look at it.

I want to run the Marathon for the anticruelty society but I'm scared of not being able to raise the required $1,000. But I guess its really not so much. Especially if I can ask people at work. I'm sure that will go over realllllly well. I can't believe 45k people registered to run in barely over a month. I'm actually excited to start training again and I think I'm going to run 6 this Sunday just to get things rolling. Of course my knee started aching as soon as I typed that. I need to register for a half or 2 in the meantime. Ew.

I am the poster child of psychosomatic illness.

Complete and total dejection

There are some days when I feel like maybe I'm interesting enough to pull this all off. But most of the time I don't even have the energy for the pep talk let alone the idiocy to believe the shit I would tell myself.

Liberals gone wild!

If you don't know what "collective bargaining rights" means, please shut the fuck up about Wisconsin. I appreciate the fact that a conservative governor is actually making conservative decisions and not just placating democrats.

Gin will make you sin

I'm obsessed with 4runners. I need to own one.

familiarity breeds contempt.

"What's past is prologue." Once you've broken your relationship into a thousand pieces [after a thousand sleepless nights and a thousand unsuccessful compromises] not only is it hard to put back together, but its hard to remember what it looked like whole. or if it ever was. once the initial smoke screen of naivete evaporates, is there anything behind it? Its easy to believe that you have the same [dreams, needs, goals] before you've really defined them. I feel like there are now too many variables to solve for. how do you solve a problem when only one person believes it even exists?

are we writing our epilogue?