my glasses are ombre

I bought new Kinvaras and registered for the Geist Half. The thought of running a half marathon in schaumburg, or anywhere in illinois for that matter, is completely nauseating, so indianapolis seems like the natural next move. it is also flat. i won't train for a while because of the vein laser i had today. my leg is killing me. marianos is the most amazing grocery store. i saw silver linings play book with linda tonight. i should be in champaign right now. OOPS.

Someday at Christmas

I'm excited for break if for no other reason than to get away from the constant status updating about studying for finals. SHUT UP. we are all studying finals. I really don't understand why you think telling everyone about how many hours you've been studying today is important or worthwhile or relevant to anyone else. I studied today and THEN I TOOK A NAP! oh my god! ill probably fail because I haven't stared aimlessly at my notes for hours on end. Jesus christ. and now I'm updating this instead of studying neuro. and don't even get me started on histo.

Its taking every ounce of self control i have to not go into the kitchen and eat handfuls of apple cinnamon cheerios. that is one of the saddest statements of 2012.

the christmas stockings are as empty as my heart.



grinchy grinch grinch.

Those days you forget to wear deodorant

Messy stressy. I have a headache. How did it already become Wednesday night?!!?! this anatomy lab final is going to kill me... at least it will if psycho kitten doesn't kill me first. I think he is more than 5 pounds now. But it is really hard to tell. He still seems tiny compared to adult cats. I can't believe i have finals next week. I love getting emails about the interest that my loan is collecting. At least they only disburss 20k at a time so I had one semester with interest only collected on that 20,000 instead of the full 40! yay! stacks on stacks on stacks. I'm very ready for Christmas break.

Lady Lazarus

I wanted to go to bed early because this day was just terrible. But now i just want to watch movies. I started "Lost" against my better judgment. I should have watched "Much Ado About Nothing" because it is a great play. I wanted to name Olive "Hero" but I didn't think anyone would get that it was a Shakespeare reference. Plus if you damage the spinal cord, everything is not "FINE" once you sew them up. I know that much is true.

Atlas is not being the devil tonight. which is nice for a change.

The quiz today was absolutely awful.

Am I still what you're looking for?

I am grateful for everyday my cat is not satan


I can't be anyone but who I've always been.

I will always burn the popcorn. I will always be the loudest person in the room. I will always be stubborn and impatient. I will always sing the same verse of one song over and over again. I will always be outspoken. I will always prefer sweatpants over jeans. I will always love lame sitcoms. I will always hate going to clubs. I will always start projects I don't finish. I will always be terrible at crafts. I will always want to go out to eat rather than cook. I will always love beer, even if I don't drink it. I will always be melodramatic. I will always exaggerate everything. I will always need an SSRI. I will always be annoyed with stupid people. I will always be a cynic. I will always be trying to reach self-actualization. I will always push buttons. I will always hate doing laundry. I will always want to order dessert. I will always steal your fries. I will always hate driving.

I will always answer your calls. I will always laugh at your jokes. I will always bake you cupcakes. I will always go on bike rides with you. I will always try to make you laugh. I will always watch scary movies with you. I will always eat pizza with you. I will always tell you that you're smart and capable. I will always believe we have a future. I will always support you. I will always miss you when I'm gone. I will always wait up for you to come home. I will always surprise you with beer. I will always go to hot yoga with you. I will always pick you up if you can't drive home. I will always hold your hand. I will always want to be your family. I will always love you .

i take the right pills everyday

why am i failing at succeeding at so many different things at the same time?

divide and fall apart.

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday. repeat. so simple and so impossible. in my dreams i am the person you need. in my dreams i can save myself.


"It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I'd found myself onto something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again

Until I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
As I talk in circles around you on my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold

In disgrace with a shameful regret
As I speak in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time"

i'll be ready for the funeral

we are not strong enough to get through a bad weekend. we are too far gone to remember what we ever had that was worth fighting for. we are too exhausted to look for it. we said so many things and made so many plans that don't seem to matter anymore. "If you love someone but you just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?" "never." that idea was always something to hold on to when i felt like we were drowning. but it really doesn't save you if only one person believes it. I'm still saying never but i think you're saying today.



Build a wall of books between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was so strange and likeable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person, unlovable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head 

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

over and out

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

years built on sand

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.


Emptiness caught the better half of me
Concrete is my memory
My blood turned into a mean streak
Twisting every part of us.
Don’t say it’s all
don’t say it’s all been lost.

tortuous and torturous

Today was the first lab practical of anatomy and it was ridiculous. nothing brings you down quite like the equine hind limb. to say it was a brutal and violent slaughter of self-confidence would be an understatement. and for Shakespeare to have written tragedies without ever having taken gross anatomy, that's the real tragedy. who knows how sad and tragic Ophelia's character could have been if he had.

the youth of the nation

my kitten has no concept of object permanence.

The times, changes, etc.

sometimes i think about the people who used to dominate the way i felt about myself and I honestly cant believe it. the beauty of facebook is that it allows me to see everyone in a new light, in a revelatory light. my parents were right. the people i cared about so deeply when i was 13 ended up amounting to nothing. like seriously nothing. i almost feel bad saying it because there is a nostalgic part of me that naively believes these ridiculous people know i exist.

i also feel bad saying anyone amounted to nothing because who am i to judge? but this is my forum and its full of my judgments already so i might as well just alienate myself even further. let us say, for argument's sake, that my idea of 'amounting to nothing' involves not going to going to college/going to jail/being a career whole foods employee. because in this version of my life, those three scenarios adequately describe the current status of the people i thought were SOOO cool in my formative years.

i don't want to dwell on the jail thing, because frankly its not really that funny and i don't know much about it. but suffice it to say that when you are making facebook status updates about how you spent the last 40 days in cook county department of corrections, its time to rethink your life choices. i guess shit happens when you date musicians who are famous for 5 minutes before falling off the face of the earth.

HW is obviously the more entertaining character in this story. The recording artist, self-proclaimed health guru, and whole foods employee with an ill-founded vendetta against modern medicine. I could go on all day but i really have significantly more important things to do. i really just want to quote and laugh at a few brilliantly ignorant comments he has made public to the world via facebook, obviously.

"Your body has amazing healing capabilities if fed organic fruits and vegetables. Disease and cancer cannot exist in an alkaline environment" 

this is a moment when "WTF" is a totally appropriate response. first of all, i would say cancer could potentially exist anywhere. it is like the cockroach of disease. it is a survivor. it will never get voted off the island. Secondly, your body will never be an "alkaline environment." what does that even mean? UGH i could write a dissertation on how fucking moronic that sentence is. maybe i will if i get into an Oncology residency

"you get what you deserve in life."

no. you get what you get in life, whether you deserve it or not is completely irrelevant.


the take away message here is that my parents have been right about 98% of the time throughout my life. and i've been right about 40% of the time. i can only hope that as i get older (and obviously wiser) that i will be right about things more often than i'm not. anyway, this is my only rant before midterms.

i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see my darling Matt so we can watch movies and eat popcorn all week.

Cats are not small dogs

I would love to pass midterms. It is both relieving and terrifying that I only have 5 days until the anatomy/histology/radiology practical and 7 days until day one of midterms. Vet school may be a marathon, but the next week is just an all out sprint.


Thanksgiving, I will see you soon.

the country that eats its young

I think it takes balls to be a conservative woman today. and that is pathetic. It is just really not cool to be anything other than liberal. I'm so sick of the propaganda. I'm sick of people saying that conservatives are all homophobic, woman-hating, and uneducated. I'm sick of people deciding to be democrats but remaining completely politically ignorant.

I'm glad everyone voted for Obama because he's such a rock star. It is irrelevant that he's done absolutely nothing the last 4 years. It's MUCH better to have a sitting duck presidency than take all the (completely rational) risks associated with electing Romney, i.e. converting the whole country to Mormonism, making abortion illegal, taking away the right to vote from women, black people, and hispanics, and, of course, stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. That about sums up his platform, right?

does anyone who voted for Obama really know what his platform was for his second term? does anyone who voted for Obama know what a political platform is? DOWN WITH THE 1%, right? yeah. that about sums it up.

Here is my selfish political agenda:
1. I don't believe in the redistribution of wealth. at all. I want to decide what happens to the money I make.
2. I don't want to give any of my money to fight wars that don't involve me or my country.
3. I don't believe in welfare. at all.
4. I don't believe in punishing successful businesses or making up arbitrary income amounts (i.e. $250k./year) that guide tax brackets
5. I do believe in hard work
6. I do believe in personal accountability and an individually determined sense of moral obligation
7. I do believe in free will
8. I do believe in capitalism
9. I do believe in a balanced FUCKING budget

There is truly no such thing as a free lunch and I promise you, despite what he says, Obama can't give you one.

Today will not live on in infamy. But someone in the future is going to look back and wonder what could have possibly motivated us to make this decision for the future of our country.

drink coffee, make more, try to stay alive

This morning I dropped my foster "Hazel" off at 6:45 and she continues her trip from the dirty south up to Minneapolis. She was an extremely sweet and emaciated little Pitbull who had recently had puppies. Judging by her perfectly white teeth, she was probably less than 2 years old. Despite the fact that she had no table manners, tried to eat my dinner out of my hands, pooped on my floor right in front of me, was in heat and actively bleeding, and probably had fleas that she gave to my apartment, i really liked her.

i'm not going to get on my soap box about Pitbulls because i feel like i'm always on a soap box about something. and i hate the phrase "get on a soap box." why is it so common? or if it isn't common, why is it common at illinois vet med? because I heard it at least 5 times during the 2 days of orientation and i have heard it sporadically since then; and now i'm using it! where was i going with this? Right. Pitbulls. They are as nice and sweet as any other dog could potentially be (with the obvious exception of Sheba Inus, who are incapable of being sweet without malicious undertones... or just incapable period.) HAH! not kidding.

Today I pick up Atlas at 3! I've already spent at least $100 on cat stuff and that doesn't even include a litter box or litter or food. well it includes a little bit of food. I'm a very concerned cat owner already hahaha. Thanks to the Purina and Hills feeding programs, I can ALMOST afford to feed him only wet food, which is the goal. I'm worried he will be bored when I'm at class. especially on mondays and wednesdays when I'm gone from 9-6.  why am i getting a 12 week old kitten?!!? I guess i really am a masochist.

Its amazing how much time i spend studying and now i say things like  "I only got 2 or 3 solid hours of studying done yesterday, but I swear I'll be more productive today."

Today, if i play my cards right, I should get at least 6 hours and hopefully 7.

I just want to get a C on this quiz tomorrow but i would obviously also accept a B. The idea of an A is hilarious!

cranial tibial! cranial tibial! cranial tibial!

weathering well the perpetual storm

Will we ever know how close I came to being broken? I don't think I will ever get to be one of those people who is the same person all the time. I can't even stay the same person throughout a day. this doesn't make sense. maybe I'm the bipolar one. I feel like i am burning and drowning at the same time. all these tiny battles against myself that i just cannot win. i want the version of my life where i am given everything and i am happy. because the version where i am given everything and i am not happy is exhausting.

Can you chase this fire away?


"And as the world comes to an end
I'll be here to hold your hand
Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart."
of monsters and men

am i doing something wrong? probably.

sometimes i feel like people here do like me, but then they never actually invite me out anywhere or try to hang out with me. its like everyone bonded with everyone else but somehow i missed out on that. maybe i act like i don't care; i think i've even partially convinced myself that i don't. but apparently i do because it totally bums me out when i'm at home on a saturday night and the rest of my class is out at bars together. even if i don't even want to go out with them. i would really just like to hang out with my boyfriend. its easy and comfortable and i know he actually likes me.

and why am i so overly agreeable around new people?  why do i pretend to like things that i clearly dont? why do i have extensive conversations with my peers here about bullshit that i could not care less about? why do i even tolerate people here who brag about how much they study and how much they know and how MOTHER FUCKING smart they are? why do i worry about what these people will think of me? and, more importantly, why do i even think they can see anyone beyond their own over-inflated egos.

i can only be this version of myself. 


so far i really don't like vet school. and i have no idea what to do about that.


why is every step i take just a means to an end? is my life really just a means to a means with no end?


why am i in a perpetual state of existential crisis?


oh. wait. this is why no one invites me out.

the epitome of productivity

I just came into my living room to sit down and study (more) with my second glass of wine and I was thinking about what a witty and clever facebook status I could make about some non-existent adage that wine is a proven study aid for gross anatomy memorization when I spilled my wine all over the floor. This could have happened because either a) it is in my very nature to spill/break anything and everything I touch or b) God is trying to ruin my witty facebook status while at the same time telling me i shouldn't be drinking while i study.

I decided it was probably choice b (because I am that egocentric); and just to throw it in God's face, I poured myself another glass of wine.

 On a semi-unrelated note, vet school is really hard. Don't believe anyone who says "the hardest part is getting in." That part actually wasn't that hard (said while patting myself on the back), the hard part is distinguishing between some muscle of the hind limb that i don't know and some other muscle of the hind limb that i don't know. The hard part is just staying sane after being in lecture for 19 hours a week and lab for 10 hours a week. 29 hours?! you really can't believe it, can you? Its enough formalin exposure to make your nose bleed (I should know because mine did.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, cry me a river. I asked for this didn't I? I spent 3 years working towards this, right? To quote the insightful words of my mother, "Audrey, you never like anything in the moment it is happening. You only like things in retrospect."

Now my wine is gone and I didn't get a chance to put my non-existent adage to the test.



“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.”
F.  Scott Fitzgerald 

me: its not open very late though so we might end up with pizza, UH OH!
matt: TRAGEDY!

it really is all about the little things.

Ode to Parenthood

Thank you for believing in me. It is so great that even though I majored in English and graduated with a GPA at least .4 points below the average of accepted veterinary students and yet still got through my prerequisite classes and gained acceptance to not one but THREE veterinary schools, you still don't think I am responsible enough to take care of a fucking cat. It is awesome that you think that you will end up with this cat when I fail at caring for it. Even though caring for it is what my whole fucking career is revolving around. I don't mean to get on a soap box but, for the love of God, I am getting my doctorate and you don't think I can handle a cat. Its not like I bought a Great Dane puppy from a breeder for $2000. Its amazing that for my whole life, I had no idea where I developed this self-centered and entitled view of the world, and the entire time, it has come from watching you. Thanks!

ENFP

For years, I have told people that when I took the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory my freshman year in high school I ended up as an ENTP and not an ENFP (which I actually am). I actually think I do fall into some middle ground between the two, but that could be entirely because I have manipulated myself into being that way. I wish I were really as cunning and witty as I pretend to be. It seems like one letter is a minor change, but to me, that difference between thinking and feeling could undermine or support my entire position of credibility to a client. SAD.

Damages is such a good show. .It is worth losing sleep over. Also, I am done with my modules and ready to get completely skewered when lectures start in my first "real" quarter of vet school.

Wish me luck as I begin my journey into the abyss.

And when I skin my cadaver dog on Monday, I will prevail!

communication breakdown

If you think everything is running smoothly, don't worry, it is not.

waiting for superman

A thousand things I would like to comment regarding the future version of myself but I will refrain...

1. will i raise my children to be religious? or even to accept Christianity? I don't even know if I am really a true Christian despite the fact that I will always say I am Lutheran if someone asks what religion I am. The idea of religion is very difficult to me. I don't know if I truly feel like I believe in a higher power or if I just respect and worship my mother so much and to such a high degree that I can't imagine not believing in something in which she believes so strongly. I don't want to disappoint my mother or let down my children. Is there a religion or a system that will work?

2. Will I send my kids to public schools? Since I am a Republican, I don't feel any political obligation to put my kids in public school. Although, I don't feel I was failed by public schools. But I also don't feel like I was encouraged and pushed to meet my full potential, whatever that happened to be at the time. The most annoying thing ever is a democrat who preaches endlessly about how shitty public education is in America and how public schools have failed and how its our responsibility to fix them (and obviously raise taxes to do this),  and then they send their kids to private schools. I think good teachers are crucial and should be well payed and respected, but these unions are getting ridiculous and need major reform. I want to go to law school for the sole purpose of educational reform (and possibly some tort reform just for the fun of it.) At times, I have encouraged Matt to pursue secondary education because I know he would be great at teaching and reaching kids, but then I see how our education system is so utterly fucked and I bite my tongue.

Where do we go from here?

I eat the M&Ms out of trail mix

I submitted this picture of Axel for a calendar and I hope he wins! All the pictures I printed of Olive looked less cute so I am putting all my eggs in the Axel basket. If he wins, he gets a photo shoot hahahahahaha. I need to do laundry but don't want to walk next door to do it. I also need to finish my dentistry presentation on senior animal dental care.

I wish i could remember every one liner from 30 rock that i want to re-quote. If i watch too many episodes in a row, i start to imagine myself as Liz Lemon. As an unfunny, not-as-witty version of Liz Lemon.

How is my gas bill $74 this month? I only use the microwave! Being poor sucks. Also, I'm scared to apply for the Army scholarship because I don't want to lose clinical skills... or be sent to Ft Sill in Oklahoma. I'm just considering joining the reserves after graduation because they will pay my debt too, but not the interest, which sucks and will likely be at least $20,000 on its own. My debt is like buying a house; either a modest house in the suburbs, or a badass studio loft in uptown.

Last night, the debates made me love Ron Paul even more. Why is the world so blind to the rationality of libertarianism?

5 year engagement

today i extracted 3 teeth out of a dead dog head. when you don't have the leverage of the body, its really hard to get the teeth out. dentisty is definitely not the specialty for me. in a way this is good to know considering i change my mind about a specialty every day.

Silas was just drinking Refreshe seltzer water on Weeds. which is hilarious because it is the Safeway brand. I can't stand him right now.

my apartment is a mess. i hate cleaning more than almost anything else.

waiting to live, waiting to die

waiting for an absolution that would never come.

living alone is totally boring.

dentistry next week means practicing dentals on dead dog heads and getting out before lunch!

the junior surgery adoptable dogs are so fucking cute.

all i ever had, redemption songs

add it to the endless list of all the things i'll never miss.

i have this pillow with birds on it. i don't use it or the chair it sits on. but i like that they are there.

life changes so profoundly in ways we never could have predicted, but i still cry when i watch Forrest Gump and Titanic.

i hate meeting new people 97% of the time, which is why i am friends with 3% of my class.

entropy.

The Patriot?

I guess I'm joining the army. Wish me years of debt-free luck!

say something profound

I miss my dogs. I love goats. I miss home.

Things for this weekend:

1. see my pups
2. go to Bigby's
3. eat Lou's
4. sleep in

I'll be missing an Illini tailgate day, but I'm pretty sure I'll survive.

Song of myself

Happy 94th birthday, Paul Billhymer.

In light of that, the things I do on a daily basis are more than slightly unimpressive.

Now I just need to decide whether or not to join the army. In order to do that, I have to figure out what $200,000 is worth to me.

25 years or debt or 8 years of service?

The possibilities are endless.

Syncope

How do we know where to go from here? How do we know when to go there?

longing for something. more?

something is missing. or is it? how do we ever know what direction we should take? how do we ever know which path is less traveled? and if we should even take the path less traveled? How do we know if it will make any difference at all, let alone "all" the difference?

do we stop asking questions because we believe or do we stop asking questions because we stop caring about the answer?

when do we get to the point where enough is enough?

and then how do we keep going?

Two Hearted

I love oncology. I also love surgery.

I like the idea of specializing.

what budget?

As fiscally savvy as my parents have always been, it would have been nice to get a little guidance regarding the $160,000 of debt that I am about to have (and the $40,000 I currently do.) With 6.8% interest.

Living alone is also a lot more boring and lonely than I thought it would be.

I also kind of love my relationship. It is kind of awesome.

Specialties are  confusing. I don't know what I want to do. the idea of an additional 4 years after this first 4 is just crazy. But maybe worth it.

happier

i'm happy with my life. i'm happy with where it is going. i'm nervous about rotations.

bend not break

someday, if i pass, i'll be a doctor.

i dare anyone to say "not a real one."

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

Sawyer Exton
Isla Eleanor
Rowan Ione

2 guys, one cyst.

Matt and my dad popped a boil on top of my head today. I couldn't see but they said it was disgusting. They also said they couldn't get the core out so I have to wait another week for it to re-puss up and then they can try again.

I quit my job on Friday. I started crying when I hugged the boss that I've spent the last 3 years both complaining about and praising. In the end, however, I have no illusions of grandeur regarding the profession I am entering, and I feel more confident about my decision than I would if I had worked anywhere else. He even bought me a really nice stethoscope because I complained that I don't have any money left to buy one.

Matt and I are getting married at Crab Lake. 8/5/2017. seriously. I figure if we make it a decade before getting married, we might actually have a shot at making it until death.

My one year old goldendoodle limps horribly every day. I plan to get a CT scan on her elbow when I get down to school. I hope its something surgical and not something that could cut her life short but a decade. I just keep telling myself that if it were cancer, she would have died by now. How pleasant. This dog is my life. I am going to die at school without her. Its just too bad she loves Axel way more than me. I guess we all just want love from those unwilling to return it. I know she really does love me though... really...

This boil on my head really hurts. Thanks, dad.

I won't go my whole life telling you I don't need.

I wish I could start a blog over. I wish I could begin as a new person. I wish I could let go of everything that I have been for the last 10 years. I can't.

I burn and build bridges.

I was accepted at 3 of the 6 vet schools I applied to including Kansas State, UMN, and U of I. I'm starting at U of I in a few weeks. This is uncommon. I must interview well. I must lie well.

I'm moving to Champaign next week into a 1 bedroom apartment that is way too expensive for me. It doesn't have a dishwasher, washer/dryer, or AC. These loans are making me panic.

Yesterday, Matt got upset because I doubted the sincerity of a former friend who had reached out to him. He remarked that it was he who stopped talking to the friend first, and not the other way around; thus implying it is different from my own personal experiences with former friends. Truth. This induced a genuine panic attack that lasted well into the early morning.

I hate buying scrubs.

I've been tired for days and days.

So much for running towards self-actualization

indefinitely out of commission as a runner; likely permanently out of commission. its no longer safe or responsible for me to run distances longer than 5 miles. oh well. that was fast.

The question

I now know that I would rather be really normal and really happy than really skinny and really crazy. This is more than an epiphany; this is taking back my life.

Watch your step

Throwing up and increased drinking generally arent  good signs of anything. I hope its nothing. I really do love my psychotic dog.

"In memory, everything seems to happen to music."

positively 4th street

run run as fast as you can

at least 7 miles was good yesterday. next year i want to run the Indy Mini and the Geist Half. i guess i'm not running any races this year other than the marathon. its slightly alarming. why aren't there more races on sundays? i can't just take every saturday off to go pay someone to time me while i run however many miles. but i really wish i could. i guess i'll run this half in Batavia even though the course has the dreaded "rolling hills." UGH

My impending doom

I finally got up the courage to email my Olaf professors for letters of recommendation. I felt totally stupid about going on and on about my stupid life but I hope they understand. I actually just hope they remember who I am. All this time, I thought I was a pretty memorable person, even if for the wrong reasons, but now I'm not so sure. I can't believe I'm applying in a few months, this is terrifying. I can't believe I have to request transcripts from Olaf, NIU, Syracuse, and Harper and then have them sent to U of I, U of M, Purdue, Kansas State, and Oregon State. Before that, I pretty much have to get a perfect score on the GRE on June 23rd. And before THAT I have to figure out how to get an A in physics and make sure I keep my A in stats. Then I have to celebrate Eric's 21st birthday and hopefully convince him that Gameworks is actually not a cool place to go for any day let alone for your 21st birthday.

No subject. Ever.

I'm worried about the direction my life is taking. Who am I? Im exhausted. With my life.

what is the rest of my life?

recurring dreams almost every night. i wrote a poem as i was falling asleep and i rhymed every line with hour. it was pretty bad. this morning i wrote a haiku comparing my contacts to jelly fish. thank god i don't remember it. other than something about both swimming freely in a sea of saline. i ate too much today.

Irony

If you hate everyone on Facebook and you hate all status updates and everything that Facebook "stands for," why not just delete it? Why do you care so much about what everyone else is saying that you feel the need to retort  via a new status? I just don't get how its worth the energy.

In other news I ate half of a large Lou malnatis thin crust.

Atrophy

4 days of not running has been awesome! I really don't know why I decided to try and run a Marathon. I hate exercise. I also hate anyone who woke up at 5am today just to watch the royal wedding.

Ew chai tea is spicy

There is a duck nest right next to our porch and the momma duck gets scared if you go in or out of the front door so now we only use the garage.

how am i not myself?

Eminem is playing at lollapalooza this year so every cloud has a silver lining. the cloud just happens to be my existence. i need to go read some Camus and ponder my insignificance.

cry cry cry.

we're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs.

me: "Eric, you would be a terrible air traffic controller."
my dad: "No he wouldn't, i think he would be great at it."

chicanery

if i get two cats i'm going to name them Nefarious and Perfidy. If i only get one cat i will name him Nefarious, unless he already comes with a name and it happens to be Stan, in which case, i will leave it.

i feel like the percent yield of my life is much lower than 100%.

i forgot to do my physics lab write up. oops.

Waste of a studying day

Ran at 7:30 am- 4 miles. It felt slow. My left leg hurts in a really strange way. Almost like its bruised all the way down. I didn't eat or drink anything before I went and that probably contributed to it feeling so rough.  My leg is starting to worry me.

Easter in Milwaukee was surprisingly uneventful and I probably should have stayed home and studied all day. I'm really tired now and don't want anything to do with physics. I hope that organic lab quiz isn't tomorrow.

run blogging

i figured the easiest way to keep track of my running was to write it on here. this could be obnoxious if anyone read this, but since no one does, at least it serves as a record keeper. hopefully i will be able to look at this and see if certain aspects of my day affect my run more than others i.e. sleep/food choice/time of run/hydration. i'm sure it will provide a lot more insight once i start wearing my watch and pacing but i'm still too scared of knowing how slow i am.

today i ate oatmeal at 7:30AM. i ran at 4 pm. an hour before my run i ate some pita chips and hummus and a banana. i ran 7 miles in my kinvaras and had absolutely no issues. my arches and knees feel fine. i never felt "tired." i noticed i was running more midfooty at the beginning and it almost felt like prancing. it was kind of awesome. hopefully ill be able to prance for longer distances as i wear them more often. i drank a little gatorade right before the run and 28 oz of water throughout the morning. i drank some more gatorade around mile 5. overall it was a successful run and i felt happy and fast and maybe not quite as knock kneed.

i've kind of given up on the brooks because they really hurt my knee and that's an injury that isn't worth the $100 i paid for the shoes. As for the triumphs, since they are significantly heavier than the kinvaras, i kind of don't want to race in them. i ran in the new ones once and they felt clunky and i felt slow. that's not really a fair chance but i did also feel rubbing in the exact same blister spot as my last triumphs despite ordering another half size bigger. this is really annoying because they were expensive and now they are dirty and i can't send them back.

Perfunctory

It took over a year for the swelling from my varicose vein removal to go away. Now I'm starting to get another one in the same leg. Awesome.

Uriah Heap

My runs are either great or awful. Usually they are enjoyable on the days I least expect them to be. Today was one of those days.

Anxiety attack almost started in the pharmacy line at Walgreens. Ironically while trying to pick up a prescription for Xanax. I hope I can stop crying and hyperventilating during physics tests because its more than slightly embarrassing.

I love studying GRE vocabulary. Mostly because I love using big words and alienating people.

Bombastic.

i still believe in capitalism.

I guess if i want cheap vans they are going to have to be pink and purple. i don't know if i want cheap vans that badly.

Liberals really confuse me. I don't think i could ever vote democrat for the following reasons:

1. I would like be able to decide where the money that I earn goes. Ideally, I would like it to go to me.
2. I do not believe in the equal redistribution of wealth.
3. Obama (and all the progress he's made)

just because i am fiscally conservative does not mean that i am pro-life/anti-gay/war-loving/planned parenthood hating/environment hating; but i really do love being categorized as all these things.

Our morally bankrupt government has been masquerading as Robin Hood and has successfully convinced an ignorant american population that we live in a society where "everybody wins" if you allocate correctly.

wrong.

Split ends

Its gets harder everyday to convince my body that diet coke is a legitimate meal.

Cryptic

5 is the new 4.

4,5,5,4,0,6,7.

Summer: Portland,  GRE, tough mudder, decorating the cabin, riding my bike to work, not taking any classes, running at the hottest point of the day, likely retaking the GRE, visiting U of I, day drinking.

Its weird to think that ill actually be applying in 5 months. Its weird that the direction my life is going to take will be determined in 10 months.

I wish I were more interesting and had ample material for my personal statement. Unfortunately, I'm not and I don't.

Throw some glitter.

I can't wait for this semester to be over. I cant wait to stop feeling guilty for watching a movie instead of studying. I'm actually looking forward to studying for the GRE. I'm not looking forward to getting in touch with Olaf professors for letters of rec and I need to do that sooooooooon.

Cyclic

Oscillating between moments of paralyzing anxiety and drunken abandon, I find myself at a crossroads.

Connected. Estranged.

Stop updating re: running

Ill blog all I want about running because im the only one who reads this anyway. but I swear im going to delete anyone I'm friends with on facebook who continuously posts status updates about every single fucking run. I don't care that you just ran 7 miles and it was so windy! Also you don't need to Carb load before an 8k. Its 5 miles, get over yourself.

i hate running shoes

my tab to date on running shoes to replace my saucony triumph 7's is over $400. hopefully ill be able to at least take 100 of that off since i just ordered (as i always knew i would) 2 pairs of triumph 8s. one in 9.5 wide and one 10 reg. these are both an attempt to get ride of the constant blister on the inside of my foot from friction. i will keep the kinvaras i guess and i have no choice but to keep the adrenaline gts 11s since ive already run 22 miles in them but i'm so fucking annoyed for the following reasons:

1. a stability shoe does not prevent my knees from knocking or my ankles from pronating
2. gts 11s make my feet burn after 2 miles even with the lightest socks i own  in 60 degree weather (wtf?)
3. triumph 7s create huge blisters on the inside of my foot but are other wise perfect
4. gts 11s make my left knee ache horribly after only 6 miles
5. gts 11s make my right foot numb
6. superfeet kill my arches when they are supposed to support and help them
7. triumphs are a neutral shoe, which is what everyone tells me i should NOT be in, yet they feel better than every stability shoe i've tried.
8. i'm not fat but i can't seem to let go of a really cushioned running shoe.
9. why are my feet so hot in these adrenalines??!??!?!??

i'm so glad i bought these shoes in the most obnoxious colors they make them in because now i'm too poor to buy new birkenstocks and i have to wear these as my every day shoes and they are bright purple or bright pink (kinvaras) and i will look like some REI camper every day of my life when i really just want to be wearing new (discrete) birkenstocks with sweatpants and never have to wear jeans again because i hate them.

the weather was awesome today. the wind was not. hopefully the cabin will be finished by memorial day weekend. i'm not taking any classes this summer so i can decorate it fabulously. i'm quickly losing momentum for this "calling" that i had 2.5 years ago. MBA school sounds fabulous now.

i wish i didn't have to go to dick pond to get the right shoes. i wish someone could just tell me that my triumphs are ok even though i look like a goon running in them and 12 year old girls make fun of me and mock my stride while i pass them on the sidewalk. talk about a shot to the ego.

What do yu say?

Nothing, except this sucks

The times, they are...

I guess its too far gone to go back now. I took the blame before and rightfully so. But maybe its a "two roads diverged" scenario now. And in my heart I kind of knew the last time you left that you wouldn't be coming back. All the best, none the less.

that was quick

minimalist running is not for me.... and the search continues. i have a feeling im just going to end up in a new pair of triumphs... oh well.

if i were better, would life be better?

I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
I walk on down the hill,
through grass, grown tall and brown
and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.

ray lamontagne

that's farce, that's the theatre, that's life.

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

The only consistency is change

Somedays its easy to convince yourself of who you are; most days its not.

Blah run blah

Yesterday PR 4 mile- 32:35

Sorry, your dog is an ass.

"She has separation anxiety. She's from a shelter."

The amount of people who claim their pets were abused just because they came from a shelter would lead you to believe there is an animal abuser around every corner. Maybe its true because everyone knows that there are sexual predators lurking in every window well you pass.

Maybe your dog wasn't abused at all. Maybe your dog is just a dick and that's why its in a shelter.

Updated black list:

Rotties

Huskies

Shiba inus

GSDs

Doxies

Beagles

St Bernards

Cockers

Chows

Akitas

my foray into "minimalist" running

After i ordered my saucony progrid paramount 3's a few days ago, i immediately had doubts. My biggest concern was that it is my first real stability shoe (other than 11 miles in asics gel kayano 14's last summer with foot numbing results). I've poured over websites over the last few days, mostly because of anxiety caused by the paramounts, and i'm starting to realize that maybe a stability shoe isn't necessary. I've always run in heavy, clunky, high platformed running shoes... and for the most part they have been saucony triumphs. i love this brand and its unlikely that i will ever really be able to convince myself to buy a pair of asics/mizunos/nikes/brooks again, even though they are usually prettier. i wanted a racing flat that could help cut seconds off my mile times and reduce the foot fatigue i have during longer runs. minimalist is so trendy right now, and since i'm so trendy, i thought i might as well explore it. i have pretty much decided to start with the saucony (shock) kinvara. its not minimalist like the 5 fingers (thank god) and true minimalists are disparaging it because it has non-minimalist tendencies. i appreciate this. i'm not ready to run 20 miles on sidewalks with nothing but a thin piece of rubber under my feet. ive decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a neutral "minimalist" shoe even though i've been diagnosed with overpronation.

the diagnosis in itself is a little suspicious. stereotypically, overpronators are flat footed and suppinators have high arches. but "experts" have determined that i am both an overpronator and highly arched. this makes buying the right running shoes all the more complicated and it usually involves a ton of cushioning and inserts. i'm hoping that the kinvara will pull back the veil on this phenomenon of a diagnosis and determine whether or not it actually makes a difference.

although i did get a sick deal on the paramounts, i will probably be returning them for kinvaras. its interesting because i always thought the most expensive running shoes were the best, but they really are just the heaviest with the most extra material. i know i'm not fat enough to need all that extra cushioning so i'm going to be a big girl and get rid of it... at least for now.

Add shiba inus to the black list

Being sick over spring break is something I'm fantastically good at. I refuse to skip another day of running. I'm actually kind of excited about the idea of potentially going to human medical school.

Thick blood

I love daylight savings because I can run everyday after work without it being black as pitch by 7.

I don't love that I've gotten so used to running in freezing weather that I feel the need to run in a tank top and shorts when its 53 degrees.

Whats with fat people and cavaliers?

I want a poptart! I ran 6.3 miles today. I am going to register for the tough mudder on Friday! I'm so excited!

I truly annoy myself

All I did tonight was complain and feel sorry for myself. I ate way too much and didn't study at all. Now I'm fat AND stupid.

Kicking off spring break with a bang!

Additionally, Carmen is a really long opera and the translated lines are kind of cheesey. But I'm worldly and therefore I opera.

completely lost

i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i'm probably not going to get into vet school and because of this, i'm really trying to explore my other options. it would be nice if my parents would pay for grad school but they won't, and therefore, i am extremely weary of even applying to law school due to such high unemployment rates of new grads. with the expectation of at least $175k in loans after graduation, the possibility alone of not finding a job is enough to make me really reconsider the entire field. the current idea i have actually uses all of the prereqs i've spent the last 2 years of my life getting, which is nice. and the idea is............. D.O. school. i've pretty much decided that MD is not really for me. the competition alone is enough to drive me to suicide. the only problem with either of these ideas is the mcat, and the fact that it contains physics AND orgo. I honestly think i would be ok with the chem... but absolutely not the physics. i would just have to hope that my bio and verbal scores somehow outweigh physics. and definitely take a kaplan class. speaking of which, i haven't even registered for the GRE, let alone GRE prep. probably because i'm just trying to avoid the inevitable failure associated with taking it and every decision i make thereafter.

i'm really sick of not being a competitive applicant. its by far the most frustrating and annoying and honestly debilitating part of my life right now. i can't make up for my first 2 years of college. there is truly nothing i can do about it. my grades are cast in stone. its hard to imagine that 2 years of subpar grades could determine the rest of your life, but alas, there it is. i'm constantly wondering where i should take this class, or where i should take that one. will it make a difference? is this a high enough level? should i even take a class this summer or just get an internship? when do i need to take animal nutrition? which online class should i take? will it make a difference? is this all for absolutely nothing? what am i supposed to do if i'm 25 and rejected? reapply? move on? where do you go from there? should i go on the mission trip to increase my volunteer experience? do i have enough volunteer experience? do i have enough large animal experience? how involved should this experience be? how will i get in touch with profs from st. olaf who are writing these reqs? will they write more reqs for different professional schools if i get rejected? how am i going to pay for this? if i go to DO at Midwestern will i really live at home until im 30? should i apply to MD too? at siu? at rosalind franklin? can i even apply all my vet clinic experience to human medicine? if not, how will i get enough human medicine experience before i apply?

i should have actually used my CNA, i should have done better at syracuse, i should have just STAYED at syracuse. I should have tried harder at olaf. i should NEVER have gone to olaf. i should have worked harder to get internships. i should have stayed in touch with professors. i should have just applied to law school a year ago. i should have taken organic over the school year. i should have taken physics at northern. i shouldn't have switched to English. I should have just stayed a bio major and then gotten my masters during this complete waste of time and life that i'm in right now.

i'm beyond hoping for the best. i'm not even convinced its worth my time to even apply. i really don't know where to go from here. i'm sick of people telling me i'll get in when they know i probably won't. i'm sick of the "anything is possible" mentality. NO IT FUCKING ISN'T.

its hard to be real with yourself. but its probably harder for the people i love to be real with me.

at every occasion, i'll be ready for the funeral

i'm sick of you calling other girls fat.


i also owned my physics quiz (!!!)

It all comes back to poland

Polish or Polish?

Pollock or pollock?

I love English. Mostly because of its complexities. of course, I haven't started studying for the GRE yet so that very well could change. I'm annoyed that the Royal Veterinary College requires the GRE Bio subject test but ill probably take it anyway just because I would like to go to a royal school.

During Scrabble tonight, I got 44 points off of "query." And it doesn't even seem like a real word the more I look at it.

I want to run the Marathon for the anticruelty society but I'm scared of not being able to raise the required $1,000. But I guess its really not so much. Especially if I can ask people at work. I'm sure that will go over realllllly well. I can't believe 45k people registered to run in barely over a month. I'm actually excited to start training again and I think I'm going to run 6 this Sunday just to get things rolling. Of course my knee started aching as soon as I typed that. I need to register for a half or 2 in the meantime. Ew.

I am the poster child of psychosomatic illness.

Complete and total dejection

There are some days when I feel like maybe I'm interesting enough to pull this all off. But most of the time I don't even have the energy for the pep talk let alone the idiocy to believe the shit I would tell myself.

Liberals gone wild!

If you don't know what "collective bargaining rights" means, please shut the fuck up about Wisconsin. I appreciate the fact that a conservative governor is actually making conservative decisions and not just placating democrats.

Gin will make you sin

I'm obsessed with 4runners. I need to own one.

familiarity breeds contempt.

"What's past is prologue." Once you've broken your relationship into a thousand pieces [after a thousand sleepless nights and a thousand unsuccessful compromises] not only is it hard to put back together, but its hard to remember what it looked like whole. or if it ever was. once the initial smoke screen of naivete evaporates, is there anything behind it? Its easy to believe that you have the same [dreams, needs, goals] before you've really defined them. I feel like there are now too many variables to solve for. how do you solve a problem when only one person believes it even exists?

are we writing our epilogue?

Yes, i keep diet cokes in the same fridge as rabies vaccinations.

If you never thought it was possibly to be moderately wounded and cut by an ice cream scoop, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. I have a nasty infection on my finger as proof that you can, in fact, cut your finger with an ice cream scoop while using it to get frozen chunky peanut butter out of the jar.

I was also attacked by a 6 month old bichon puppy. I'm like a walking wonder of the world.

And yes, I would use amoxy from the clinic if I knew the right human dose. I'm not quite naive enough to think I would take the same amount as a 130lb dog.

Um ya ya

One time, junior year, we went to the legion. I drank at least one pitcher of beer, lost my north face (rip), threw up all over the backseat of someones car, and was subsequently showered in thorson. I really was interesting at one point in my life.

I keep hearing cars outside my house, thinking they are matt, all the while knowing better.

No need to feign disinterest.

A night with me ends at 11:30 pm and a night with your friends ends at 5:30 am.

Why bother?

will the circle be unbroken?

villainize: [vil-uhnayz] (verb): the act of turning some into a villian.

no. youre right. its not a real word. but it should be. if E.V.O.O. is a real word now, villainize certainly deserves to be. there are a thousand things i wish i had the ability to say or express regarding my recently realized disenchantment. i'm so sick of fighting. that is the understatement of the century. thats like saying Brutus wasn't a good friend. i'm tired of being portrayed as selfish. i'm tired of feeling like i don't know what i would do without him in my life and being unsure of whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. i'm sick of crying all night, feeling like an idiot, and looking like shit the next morning. i'm tired of always feeling like i'm doing something wrong. i'm sick of feeling like an annoyance, like a hindrance, like a frustration. i'm tired of rejecting and being rejected. i'm tired of yelling and being yelled at. i'm tired of rolling eyes when i go for a run, when i work out, when i get done eating. i'm tired of pretending that arguing is the same as communicating. i'm tired of the expectation of instant change. i'm tired of the apathy.

i'm scared of moving forward. i'm scared of staying here. i'm scared of holding on. i'm scared of letting go.

thinking does not necessitate brilliance

i know this. this. this. constant thinking doesn't mean constant processing or even constant understanding. constant thinking prohibits these things from happening successfully. i.think.all.the.time. not brilliant thoughts, not even mildly intelligent thoughts. just obsessive and uncontrollable thoughts. in seconds i can create a new world to live in that is full of unrealistic situations that make me happy because they all involve me not ever having to tell anyone what i want, and everyone just knowing. i can transpose these new worlds onto the real world instantaneously and be immediately disappointed with the real world and its total inability to read my mind even a little bit. i think through my physics homework... about something... was it physics? i don't know. i think about my family being insane and i think about my dad and my brother thinking they know everything.... literally EVERYTHING about the world... the predictable and boring world. its almost a chore for them to carry out daily life when they are surrounded by the mundane, and everyone is so beneath them, and its just oh.so.fucking.tedious.

for a long time i tried to deny that there was obvious favoritism in my family. and for a long time after that i tried to pretend that it didn't matter and that i was over it and old enough to not care anymore. at first, way first, way back first first first, i thought i was the favorite. it always seemed to fit. i had qualities that other parents i i knew would have valued. i had qualities that would have been favored by other parents. the funny thing was that i was so incredibly wrong about my family for so long that when i finally realized how wrong i had been, i still refused to admit it.. mostly out of shame for being so dedicated to believing my lie.

the truth is that i'm boring. i'm predictable. i'm vanilla. i'm moody and irritable. i follow rules. i study. i get good grades. i cry when i don't. i eat healthy. i don't really like to cook. i enjoy romantic comedies. i appreciate logic. i like reading books on the ny times best sellers list. i like having things. i like chocolate. i am the antithesis of interesting and i guess that probably is pretty hard to favor. yeah i do spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself but this is strangely enough, not one of those times. i'm really ok with who i am as a person. BUT truthfully, i will never be like Eric and my parents will never think i'm quite as witty, quite as innovative, quite as creative, or quite as brilliant as my brother. because i do give a fuck about an oxford comma.

i still see value in the world. i appreciate kindness.

running?

Today's run was awful so I guess its a good thing I'm working out again with my mom in an hour. I don't want to take my physics hw quiz, so I'm really going to put it off until 10pm. Sometime in the near future, I'm going to have to start running more than 4 miles at a time. Especially because I told myself I would run one more half marathon before I start training for THE marathon, just to make sure everything felt good and capable. I also really hate running in races where I know anyone else running. So I might go back to indianapolis or maybe madison for this half before I get ready for the extreme social anxiety of the Chicago marathon. when i have a really crappy 4 mile, i start to doubt all possibilities of finishing a marathon. i definitely need to train for a half starting next week. i'm excited and annoyed at the same time.

ALSO jillian michaels- 6 week 6 pack- level 2 is NO JOKE. its really hard even though i have no semblance of a 6 pack and therefore am continuing to call it 6 week no pack. Either way, i'm about to go get my no pack on.

best.cake.ever.

Chocolate Cake with Caramel-Milk Chocolate Frosting.

 where would i be without Bon Appetit? i plan to make all 26 of the "let them eat 26 cakes" piece.

on a lighter note

valentine's day is kind of a cute holiday and i do miss getting valentines even though they were usually written by everyone's parents. i wish my birthday were literally any other day. it would make this holiday a little more tolerable. either way, i'm excited to actually see my valentine tonight. and i'm actually having a non-german chocolate cake again. last year i had a chocolate cake with ganache frosting and a cherry chocolate mousse layer, but i was disappointed in it. in my heart i wanted to go back to german chocolate but i resisted and found this other chocolate cake that will hopefully be more promising than last year's. i wish i could spend valentines day with Matt instead of in various labs.

in other news, Portlandia is kind of getting more and more disappointing with every episode. sad.

its my birthday; ill cry if i want to.

Birthday morning organic chem lab write ups are not fun. i should be sleeping or going out to breakfast or something. my dad still hasn't said happy birthday yet and he's been up for half an hour. wah wah wah. monday is the lamest day of my week and therefore incredibly lame for a birthday or valentine's day. i don't get done with class until 9:35pm and that means no going out to dinner, which is why we went to lincoln park last night for pizza and the trip to icream alone was worth it. i really need to remember cinnamon ice cream with graham crackers and bananas. that is choice. sad that we won't be able to do these things when matt moves out but entirely worth it. i just hope it happens within the next month or so. although when you're waiting on FAFSA it might not happen until the summer, which is ridiculous. its lame that my dad tries to get me to eat pancakes every day of the week EXCEPT on my birthday, when i would be willing to have them. any break from this fucking lab report. plus i didn't write down how to calculate the theoretical yield for this experiment and now i have no idea. i know i said i would rather be in organic again than physics but now i just don't know anymore! NEITHER.

Ok...

maybe i'm too mean. dinner was really good. i've had too much alcohol this weekend.

that's hot

i'm wearing my retainer. i'm super bloated. at least i showered today.

working on being- what unbearable lightness?

according to weather.com it is currently 10 degrees outside but feels like -8. according to my phone its 7 degrees. and according to the thermometer in the kitchen its 11. there is no consistency in temperature or anything else. how am i supposed to prepare for my life with so much variability? how am i supposed to get through with my life with absolutely no certainty? IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BE OKAY? the lack of answers will give me ulcers. i've conditioned my body to believe every change in my "plan" is literally the end of the world. even if that change is as stupid as getting stuck behind a train for 25 minutes. have i always been the person who commits the felony of crossing the tracks before the gates go up because i just CAN'T wait any longer? i don't think so, but apparently i am now. i don't want to accept that the person i am now is who i am destined to be. i really don't hate surprises. its hard creating a life plan for yourself that requires every single aspect go your way in order to be successful. well its actually easy to create it, but its much harder to follow through. because of all the variability. because people aren't constant or consistent and even the most perfect life plan is uncertain if there are people in it. but i don't hate people. and i don't hate surprises. i just hate the fear of not knowing. 

the final realization that there is nothing unique about you, nothing unique about your dreams, and nothing unique about your talents is a challenge to accept. and i haven't accepted it yet.

"It was always half invented
but the other half was good."
jimmy eat world

lives of quiet desperation

why am i still awake? i can't sleep because i switch between scenarios of potentially returning the shoes i bought and regretting it and my psychiatrist being mad because i haven't been there in so long. is there a limit on how many psychiatrists can be prescribing you drugs at any given time? i want to just switch psychiatrists all together to avoid this disastrous situation i've created in my head.

i don't even know if these shoes fit or not.

daily internal monologue of anxiety

i have an almost-panic attack every night. i go through a list of things in my head that i may or may not have forgotten to do and then convince myself that i did, in fact, forget to do them. I'm worried that my psychiatrist won't see me anymore because i don't take my welbutrin everyday and have lapsed so much that i should have needed a refill months ago but haven't. i don't know how to explain myself in this situation. i don't know how to feel anything but guilt and panic about it. i no longer have test anxiety alone, but anxiety about everything.

did i lock the door of the clinic? did i put the "closed" sign out? did i call everyone back who needed to be called? did i give out the right meds? did i chart those meds? did i relay all the important voicemails? did i do my online homework? did i finish all other assignments? are my lab partners going to print out the graphs for the group or should i remake my own?  did i study enough for physics? am i studying enough for physics? if i studied more, would i understand what was going on? is physics going to prevent me from getting into vet school? did i actually feel good on my run today or was i just running at a slow pace? will i be able to run a marathon? will i set a time goal for myself even if i say i'm not going to? will i be able to prevent myself from setting a time goal? have i gained weight? can people see it in my face? should i start asking professors for letters of rec now? will they even remember me? am i applying to law school this fall too? will i do poorly on the GRE since i didn't do very well on the SAT? is this my calling? should i be doing something else? should i order the solutions manual for my physics book even though it only has answers to the odd problems and costs $60? does everyone in my class understand tension but me? is there more to tension than i think there is or less? does everyone in my class understand everything better than me? why is our homework grade based on a quiz grade? why is everyone always trying to give quizzes? has my anxiety over tests and quizzes gotten worse? should i have taken this at northern? will anyone take into consideration the fact that i didn't cheat to get whatever grade that i got, that i didn't just memorize old exams? does this mean anything to anyone anymore or just me? does it even mean anything to me or am i just jealous of everyone who got an A by cheating? is law school actually hard or just boring and tedious? why haven't i called uic about micro for the summer? why do i always put everything off until its too late? should i be getting my nursing prereqs too? should i be a nurse? why am i still scared of cats? what if i don't get into law school either? what if i have no safety? what if i don't get into vet school? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? is it just me or do none of the examples in the book apply to any of the questions at the end of the chapters? do i drink too much? do i just make up mental illnesses for myself because i'm bored or am i actually psychologically unwell? did i forget to go to the farm? is everything ready for PADS? am i doing a good job? am i busy enough? if i have time to run 3 mornings a week, should i actually be taking another class? how do you stop an anxiety attack from spinning out of control? is it normal for my chest to hurt? am i making that up? am i a hypochondriac? is there an end to this madness?

except my life, except my life, except my life.

Mine smell like honey

School sucks this semester. Nothing annoys me more than not understanding the material. Or matt saying "aboo boo be boo." Ugh I'm grinding my teeth just thinking about it.

Today's run went surprisingly well.

I registered for the Chicago Marathon a few days ago. Evidently, I'm an idiot.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Tonight, in physics, I had the terrifying realization that I would rather be doing orgo.

A small part of me dies every time my professor says to the class "that's pretty intuitive, right?" And I think "no?!"

24 in 2 weeks. Valentine's day seems especially annoying this year.