steve you drive me fucking crazy and if you think fucking around with other girls is the way to win my heart, you are in for quite a shock. so go ahead and do whatever you want. i need you to understand us notbeing together has nothing to do with love, because i love you. you know i do. but it can't work with us. its too stressful and its not rewarding to either of us. its draining and hard and we shouldnt be in relationships like that ever, let alone when we're 18. so i;m sorry. i would hate to think of you with someone else and thats what makes this ending so hard. knowing that eventually we will both move on. its hard to imagine right now, but when i do, i get really upset. like when you dated angela. i just about died. i know youll probably mess around with a lot of people to get over me or something liek that. i dont plan on doing that. its not how i deal with my issues. i dont know what to say to you anymore. im crying just thinking about it. its crazy that this is happening but it was bound to happen someday. i know you love me and you always will and i want you to know that i will always love you, and i will carry a piece of you with me forever. i wish you nothing but happiness in the future and i hope you find someone who can give you the relationship that you deserve. you were my best friend for 3 years and ill never forget that. we had a once in a lifetime bond and i know you'll think of me on random days for no apparent reason at all. and i want you to know that i will be doing the same.

all my love
and all my heart
forever yours
audrey

I took a survey but it didnt really fit. so whatever.

xX Red : Anger Xx
are you currently mad at someone? yes
which of your friends has the worst temper? steve
whats the meanest thing you've ever done? eh i dont know. ive done a lot
have you ever thrown something at anyone? Yes
does your face turn red when your angry? No
when you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? yell and scream

xX Orange : Excitement Xx
has anyone ever threw you a suprise party? yes! when i turned 15!
are you easily excited? yes
what event is coming up that your most excited about? Crab Lake
which of your friends is most exciteable? Joanna i think
If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought? "awesome"
If you could have anything right now what would it be? A swimming pool in my backyard and a badass speedboat for the lake.

xX Yellow : self discovery Xx
Full Name? Audrey Claire Billhymer
Where were you born? Hoffman Estates
Whats your main goal in life? To love my job
What do you value more friends or family? family because they won't try to get your boyfriend to cheat on you with them
Do you want to have children? Yes
How do you want to die? peacefully

xX Green : Opinions Xx
Sex before marriage? why not?
Gay Marriage? i'm down with it
Lowering the drinking age? no people are too stupid
Capital Punishment? Nooo
Abortion? Prolife
Recycling? definitely! it rocks! haha

xX Blue : Dreams Xx
What was your latest dream? i dont remember.
Which of your friends do you dream about the most? steve
Have any of your dreams come true? no, thank god, they are fucked up
Do you usually remember your dreams? i remember vague ideas
What was the weirdest dream you've ever had? like wheeling myself around Frost in a computer chair... it was weirder than it sounds... i think...
What was the best dream? i dont remember

xX Purple : Love Xx
Straight, Gay, Bi? Straight
Do you have a boyfriend? yes
Do you have a crush? on steve
Who was your first kiss with? that Vince guy from Forsworn. haha no really it was. 6th grade.
Who is the best "hugger" that you know? hmmm matt probably
Do you believe in Love at first sight? maybe

I don't want to go to syracuse by myself. i don't want to start over. i don't want to be the only person i know there. i don't want to be myself. i don't want to hate where i am. i don't want to let go of this relationship. i don't want to suffer through not knowing what is going to happen. i dont want to listen to everyone telling me its not going to work. i dont want to hear about peoples problems. i dont want to go on pretending im so compassionate. i dont want to spend time with anyone but steve and keiko and a few select others. i dont want them to go to school so far away from me. i dont want to be 860 miles away from steve. i dont want people to keep telling me that my college experience will be "what i make of it" and that it doesnt matter where i go. i dont want people to sound somewhat put out when i say im going to syracuse. i dont want my family to be more excited about my best friend going to brown than me going to syracuse, granted it is more exciting. I dont want to keep not wanting things.

I want to live more, i want to laugh more, i want to take things less seriously. i want to be less emotional. i want to be on my own. i want to decorate my dorm. i want to meet my room mate. i want to have a good time at college. i want steve and keiko to have a good time at college. i want to get cool stuff to bring to college. i want this relationship to work. i want everything to work out. i want to be happy where i am. i want to carry mase with me nexxt year. i want to learn to paint. I want to go to the beach this summer. I want to go to Crab Lake. I want another puppy. I want to read more books (all the classics). I want to write steve and keiko emails everyday next year. I want to be optimistic about my future. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life. i want to have fun this summer. I want to stop thinking about college.

When we were apart I thought of nothing else.
From October to April.
Now I know you felt the same.

I miss theatre. A lot.

I'm looking for the date when we began.


So long ago.


And my feelings have only gotten stronger.

Here's to being sappy.. I love you.

Your love is better than ice cream.

Happy birthday, my little bindlestiffing sniggler. I've cooked you a fresh eel and tramp.

I love you oh so well. Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.
Thanks DMB.

Bring on the porn and cigars... and... lotion?

Lets golf all summer. I'm really going to a Pro this time.

I'm completely in love with you, stephen.


"I can't take my eyes off of you. I can't take my mind off of you."


You'll always be my konstantine.


Happy easter tomorrow.
audrey

On the way home, this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
In this weather, the wind outside is biting.
It's left me feeling tired and exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions, they come too easy to you now.
And your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be surprised. I should have seen it sooner.

Expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong.
But you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing and I wish that I was gone,
cause you're not going anywhere.

And this damp air it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
And it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to choke them back.
But it's useless. I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

Potential Soul Mates:
-Ryan Purcell
-Chris Brady
-Holden Caulfield
-Steve Newby

Who i will marry:
-Ryan Purcell





I hate my life right now.

I always bend to meet your expecations. My back is hurting not just from that but from where you stabbed me. You were never really my friend, i see it clearer now. People don't treat people the way you've treated me, its not even human let alone friendly. Love is patient and love is kind, why don't you read corrintheans and rethink your so-called love. because over here in my so-called life, its tiring chasing you around or running from you. I gave you everything i had, including my heart and there are only so many times that i'm willing to lay everything down knowing all the while that i'm going to end up hurt. You tell me i'm selfish. well this is me saying i'm not. this is me saying that for once in my life i'm putting myself in front of you. For once i'm thinking of whats in my best interest. for once i'm living for me and not for you. i'm not going to sit here and tell you i hate you because that's not true. I love you and always will. but i'm never coming back. and i'm sorry if it takes you this long to realize everything, and in a way im more sorry if you never realize it. but the cycle of abuse has got to end and youre not going to be the one to stop it. so live your life and i'll live mine. and you're right, you are an asshole. but you don't care enough to change. and as much as i'd like to be, i refuse to be friends with assholes. and i guess in the grand scheme of things, 2 years isn't really that much time. i've been stalled for months waiting as patiently as i could all the while dying on the inside and you call me selfish. its just not worth it so this time im walking away and i'm never going to turn around.


What have i become? Truth is, nothing yet. A simple mistake starts the hardest time.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I still love stephen.

I think relationships are more about timing than anything else.


i have really bad timing.

I love you. Someday we will find eachother.


Noises off was fantastic. I loved this show. the cast was incredible, i couldn't have asked for anything more. I'll miss it forever. I dont know if i'll ever really do theatre again. i've left my heart in the carl weimer auditorium.

I can't ever seem to find the blue dot.

I can't do this forever. I'm tired of being your fairweather friend.

I'm going to be a platinum blonde.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.