WHO did you think i was?

"How many blows to the belly will this thing take that we refer to as our true love. we both know its dead and its been dying for some time but we refuse to let it go."


tired.lazy.ready to go home.


wasting my time in all this.

real women have curves

i can't stop watching nip/tuck. and i am becoming simultaneously obsessed and disgusted with plastic surgery. its such a gruesome process, even moreso than on Dr. 90210. i dont think i would ever get it but i do want to get m hair highlighted/cut with a body wave and to get a massage and facial. this is altering enough and luckily- pain free! i need to get a job so i can afford it though because im pretty sure id have to pay for the facial myself.

i need my hair to have body. i think if i got a perm it would fall out in like a day. my hair is dead dead dead. but soon it will be blonde and dead dead dead. wooo.

get me home. i only have 2 finals next saturday and thats it. tonight i plan to do my math project final and maybe read for my arab paper.

im a tease!

craig's list sucks now

i am finally done with basketball and not a minute too soon. my back has been killing me lately and i need to go to the chiropractor and get a massage when i get home. i bought the US News and world report's "America's Best Graduate Schools" and im pretty excited to own it. Even though there arent a whole lot of non-health related fields that im interested in. oh well. i wish i updated this more often but i dont really have much to say. i just want to go home.

randoms on the internet

another monk-e-mail and no less creepy. anonymity is so 1999.

i just want to get a job for the summer and also go home.

i don't want to take finals.

St. Olaf: Where Ugly Shoes Come to Die

There's something disturbing about the footwear of st. olaf students. Its not just the occasional misguided fashion victim, but droves upon droves of disgusting shoes walking on the feet of completely oblivious people who, as far as i can tell, think they are really cool. And its not just one type of shoe i.e. dressy, casual, athletic but every and all. Of course, i have been known to indulge in the rare oddity when it comes to shoe shopping, but never have i knowingly been so completely careless and backwards as to buy a pair of clearly outdated shoes more than 3 years after they have become outdated: SKECHERS is my main example. And not just the "cool chic ashlee-simpson-marketed" skechers of today, but the ugly metalic reflector infested space-gym shoe of 2002. I admit that i did own these for a short period of time but wore them maybe 3 times before quickly passing them on after learning my mistake. Its just a little sad and weird to see such a high concentration of ugly shoes in a relatively small student body. There are the rare few who understand the greatness of the Old Navy flipflop over the TEVA ultra grip mountain hiking sandal, and i appreciate these few and i wish they would also speak up about the epidemic of ugly footwear so i know im not alone in feeling this way.

i also had an MRI today and they are really loud and annoying and long and i don't ever want one again.

the sound of lonliness makes me happier

Sometimes i worry for my mental health. There are days when i don't even know what's wrong with me. i don't know if i've always been like this but part of me thinks i have. i'm not cut out for this. and i find no solace in the silence.

settle baby you are not the sun.

from gutter to glam

today i didn't wear a hoodie to class. i actually wore a white baby doll tee with my green zip urban outfitters sweater. this is a shocking development/improvement. someday i think i will be able to go a whole week without wearing a hoodie to class.

i appreciate my well rounded liberal arts college.

i still don't have a resume and need one.

i want another ipex demi. i NEED another ipex demi. i never have enough bras.

get me to winona.

i'm tired. and i cant wait for my single next year. i love costco.

I always want carbs at night

I hate running into people in the library who i thought were my friends and pretended to be my friends for about a month and then started ignoring me. Its especially painful when one of them is still borrowing my clothes including my most expensive pair of jeans.

If i don't get into either of the interims i applied for im going to be really sad.

i really want chips right now and this apple is just not doing it for me. tomorrow we are playing kickball in basketball and im just relieved to get a break from basketball and looking like an idiot. I've done half my math test and i hope its right.

This weekend i want to buy a new cartigan in Winona. I also want to eat Taco Johns!

Today i submitted a secret to the stolaf post secrets. Its one that, thank god, no one here could ever trace back to me. unless they recognize my handwriting which is unlikely, but would be not so great. I registered for classes tonight and got what i wanted even though i wasnt really worried about it. my fall of 07 consists of...

English 185- Literary Studies
English 221- Lit. in England to 1650
History 272- Women in America
Spanish 232- Intermed. Spanish 2

On Being Pro-Palestine

So I don't support Isreal. In fact, I support palestine. In fact, I kind of hate the Israeli military and i think they should be brought to trial for crimes against humanity. I am so mad at the US government for continuing to support Israel despite their unjust treatment of Palestinians daily. The Gaza Strip and West Bank are the only places where Palestinians can live without persecution and they are continuously being pushed out of those areas too. STOP IT DAMNIT.

ALSO- someone sent me some weird monk-e-mail on career builder. it was extremely creepy and said "i have been watching you and i think youre amazing. i know you have a lot of problems with other guys but i can be the guy of your dreams"

nice. thats the pick up line i always fall for. i especially like the lots of problems with other guys line. that makes me feel really good inside.

i dont like it when courtney calls me a brand whore.

"Why is your family Scottish?"
"Why is YOUR family ROSS?"

I WANT TO GO TO IRELAND FOR INTERIM!!!!!!!

beating a dead horse.

"It seems that people who have lived on the earth for so many centuries have used much of their cunning to discover this marvellously secret way of concealing the fact that they are continuously eating and being eaten by those whom they love."
Janet Frame

I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I wake up and wait for the day to end. I dread phone calls from my family but dread knowing that they won't come even more. I don't understand my friends. I don't understand the people who won't be my friend. I just don't get it. Its just not the way I pictured anything. Maybe it won't work and maybe it is finally time to be done.

"People do not cry because it is the end. They cry because the end does not correspond with their imagination of it."
Janet Frame

wasps in my room

nothing ever works out.

its why i'm always pacing around or walking away

its weird to me that people become so much more when they die or get famous. and that these are the two situations that bring it out. i only have two examples. ronny dying. after he died and i had to explain it to people i always said that one of my best friends committed suicide. ronny was not my best friend when he died, and i dont really know if he ever was. there was a time when i would have considered him one of my closest friends but that time was so brief that i don't know if it really counts in the grand scheme of events. i don't know if i said this for pity or sympathy or why. i just know that i did it and maybe now i see that it was wrong.

the other person i do this to is jeanae. i know for a fact that jeanae was my best and only friend at one point in my life. though that point was 6 years ago i still use the 'one of my best friends phrase.' it kind of makes me sick knowing i've been so desperate for attention that i've name dropped. i don't know jeanae anymore or what her life is like. i'm just as much an outsider as everyone else. but i was with her at probably the most crucial point in both of our lives though at the time we had no idea. i had no friends and needed her. i believe that because of who we were at ages 12-15, we determined who we would be for the rest of our lives. that is not to say that we are the same or have ever really been on the same page. but this jaded view of life that i know she shares was born in what i consider to be the lonliest years of my life full of desperate pleas for parental affection and, when ultimately not gaining that, a somewhat downward spiral of alcohol, pot, and self mutilation. usually these unhappy years come later for other people along with the self-medicating. i know the fact that it happened to us so early is weird.

every decision that i have made or that has been made for me in advance has affected who i am now. i dont know who i would have been if i had gone to conant with jeanae and its weird to think that that person may be completley different from who i am today. and that only changing a high school could have altered me that dramatically. i don't know who i would have been if i had gone to boarding school like my dad was pushing for. i dont know if i was destined to end up on this anticlimactic path to grad school career and normalcy and if she was always going to be the interesting one regardless. but i just want to die a little inside when i think about my daily complaints of writing annotated bibliographies for 60 sources because when did these mundane details consume my life?

i want to know when i became such a cynic. and i also want to know why god hates me and gave me such a terrible room draw number making it almost impossible for me to get a single.

contrary to popular belief

i do want to be outside enjoying the weather. but i want to do it with my friends not these weird people who go to my school. mainly because theyre weird. and i have nothing in common with them. this is confusing to me. but not as confusing as the rotting smoothie left overs that my roommate left on her desk days ago. its one of the most disgusting things ive seen and im not that surprised that its there to begin with.

i don't know where i'm supposed to be but getting off the highway at northfield was not the right thing to do.

i also love having classes with people and talking to them in those classes and then seeing them outside of class and getting completely ignored. part of me wants to laugh, part wants to cry. its all just SO dramatic.

ok you're not an idiot

i just get frustrated and dont know what to do.

so just stop smoking pot.

you're an idiot

i think you're an idiot and you smoke way too much weed and right now i cant even stand you. you never call me back. you say you'll call and then you forget. its ridiculous and pathetic and i'm saying this as a friend but it has to stop or this friendship will. i didnt realize what a big deal it was for you and how much of your life it really does consume. if you think youre going to make it as a professional golfer at the rate youre going, you're a little mistaken. you treat your body like shit, and because of that it will never respond the way you want it to.

call me when your sober. or don't call me at all. at this point i really don't care. you're not someone i want to spend time with.

i'm sick of the excuses.

g.l.a.m.o.r.o.u.s.

flossy flossy

so my computer broke today. which is awesome. i love Dell. i also have some sick ass project to do for math that i really dont want to do. i hate my blog layout/template but im too lazy to change it. i'm really tired right now. i'm also getting a C in basketball so i plan to drop it on thursday. what a waste of time. id like to do fitness walking in gym. or any gym class that starts after noon. well not basketball again thats for sure. i hate gateways to math. its the most useless class ive taken this year. maybe even ever. amy is getting me a job this summer at benigans so thats pretty sweet. is it bennigans? i dont know. either way, ill be rollin.

so if you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home.

if these walls could talk

i don't really know what to say or who to say it to. if there was ever a chance that 2007 was going to be easier and happier than 2006 it has already gone out the window. its amazing how little you know about a person until you are betrayed; at which point you are finally able to put all the pieces together to gain an ultimate, albeit delayed, understanding of the person. and suddenly ahh. it all makes sense. and i guess its not really that much of a shock after all. and families get destroyed everyday. and its true that this love really is silent, so silent that i doubt its existence most of the time.

and suddenly courtney is the only one you can trust.
and not so suddenly, you're not so surprised anymore.

there is something completely unsatisfying about where i am in life right now. i guess i will just keep trying to hold whatever together despite your continuous apathy and indifference. the role reversal amazes me and i feel like i'm dying inside a little more everyday. maybe it doesn't really matter. maybe we finally killed whatever it was we had and now youre realizing it. maybe explanations. maybe nothing.


“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
-Nietzsche

viva la white girl

i want to go to this place called Orange. 75 W. Harrison and theres one somewhere on Clark st. too. lame ass giaddasad whatever the fuck on the food network went there. and even though i hate her, the place looks really good.

i don't want to go back to school. i actually hate school.

tiger will win today.

i don't really get religion

yes. it is snowing here.

and

no. i cannot stop eating.

That Was Just Okay for Me, Baby

Where to study abroad next? Cairo is out because my dad said no. Fine. im not too upset about it because lily said cairo is dirtier than Buenos Aires and i cant even reallly imagine that. Here are the places that I am considering as of late...

Ghana
Namibia

thats it. ugh i better study abroad ill just be so annoyed with myself if i dont.

I can't stand almost all the people here. i dont know what to do about it. i dont know how im going to make it to mid-may.

these are the april showers

people here know nothing about drugs. its actually really sad.

"it was some kind of powdery drug. it might have just been marijuana or something"

AHHHHHHHHH. i need some marijuana just to deal with these obnoxious people.

i plan to spend every weekend of april at winona.

happy birthday stephen.

ME DUELE TANTO

just keep me where the light is

"Te conocí un día de enero,
Con la luna en mi naríz
Y como ví que eras sincero
En tus ojos me perdí"

well 24 hours, 3 in-flight meals, 1 missed connection and a free first-class upgrade later, i'm finally back in Northfield.

I'm getting really dizzy right now and i have no idea why. I need to read almost a whole novel by tuesday and i'm kind of annoyed with it because 50 pages in i already hate the 2 main characters. I really need thursday to come right now. I just want to get home to my dog and bed and uncomfortable green couch. Yesterday axle came in dirty from outside and as soon as my dad opened the door he told axle to "go get in the bath!" and axle, like the obedient baby he is, ran right up into the bathroom and jumped in the bathtub!!!! so CUTE.

Ive been looking at apartments on craigslist and i've gotta be honest, i cant help but feeling that life will be better when im living with courtney and shes working and im in grad school. i feel like im always saying this about the next important part of my life but this time i really hope its true.

psychotic cats are annoying. and im about 20 lbs overweight.

i'm ready for these 4 days at home and the inevitable fights that will ensue. hahaha. nonono no more fighting. so stop being an ass and stop freaking out. just golf.

i saw a job offering on Craigslist for a part time job at the Bamboo Room selling roses 2-3 times a month for $15 an hour. hahahahaha i WANT IT.

"Y aunque hayas sido un extranjero
Hasta en tu propio país
Si yo te digo '¿como dices?'
Tu aún dices '¿que decís?'
Y lloras de emoción oyendo un bandoneón"
shakira

fucking VOS conjugation. argentines arent nice.

JOBS

we wentr to this weird bar tonight which was actually nice with nice watreses or mesas or mosa whatever waiterss and we had fries or papas frits and a pitcher of beer which i drank most of and then anothe rhalf liter whatever that means and then lily had some iguana driknk which was good with some kiwiw in it and then we saw a lot of americans and then this argentine who loved blues hit 0on us and it was kind of weird but lily wasnt getting all the signals i was sending about feeling weird so she just ignoredme and kept talkingto this weirdo who she later said was "harmless and a good way to practice her spanish" now we are back at the apartment and im wasted and also dont have my contacts in and since its 240 am we are here WAY TOO EARLY for lilys standards.

the good news is lilys boobs have seen the world. and they LOVED it. fresh air. and also in scotland they eat sheep penis stuffed with potatoes. its kind of wirerd but i guess they eat human penus in germany according to aline. just kidding! but that would be halarious. hilariuos? comico. chistes chistes chistes. im drink

i always write that im drink instead of drunk i think it further illustrates the point im trying to prove.

lily loves mashed potatioes and so do i. i love them. and these skinny steask we eat.

steves is stupid and too busy watching tiger woods to talk to jme online duringthe maybe 2 hours online that i am on in argentina and that is sick~! you are sick stev~~!! sick sick scik

":stephen do't go in my room~! blah blah blah blah"
who am i?
jenny newbyt
sorry steve im drink you know this isnt the REAL me. wow how lame am i to updatemy blog when im drunk this is worse than a drunk dial by at least 100x.

lilys tired

ciao besos tambien~!


px. jobs is the name of the bar.

this could be the end of all that we know

i think ive gained at least 15 lbs since i got to argentina 3 days ago. its kind of ridiculous. but the food is great here.

i dont know how lily drinks her wine so fast

all i know is that i resemble my mom more now than ever before (black teeth).

tonight is irish pub night. this should be interesting.

ciao besos.

blogger in spanish

hola! estoy en Buenos Aires, Argentina con lily. no se mas espanol.

blogger is in spanish here. it automatically puts all the links in spanish. thank god im fluent. i havent heard american music in days. es una lastima. last night the camping trip episode of greys was on and it had spanish subtitulos. lily gets embarassed of me whenever i try to speak spanish in publico.

ive done a lot of shopping an deverything is really cheap but ive still spent a lot of money and i think that by the time i get home, my $200 for April will already be spent and it will only be april 1st. es una lastima otra vez. si claro. hay muchas perritos aqui y todos son lindos. my spanimsh is very limited but i was having a conversation with some equadorians the other day and i told them about how i know the tasa de natalidad de todos los paises latinoamericanos. thank you spanish 231!

ive heard the song that is currently playing at least 30 times in the last 48 hours. elio sang it to lily. que linda. he's a rockstar claro que si. y tambien a professional jugador de futbol.

its really hot here. and i cant stop comiendo. my feet hurt fromso much walking and my wallet hurts from so much spending. nececito un nap. muchos naps.

well were going to go to dinner at 2 in the morning as usual. we went to a "boliche" the other night and left at 5AM which is considered early and lily was secretly pissed because we didnt get to watch the sunrise from the fuckin disco tech.

were going to go grocery shopping now and buy these steaks that you just throw in a pan and eat. lily says they are increible. they love their meat here. and leather. todas las partes de las vacas. and all the boys here have mullets. its kind of sad. (but some of the boys are cute like elio)

i saw evitas grave and lily is a wino.

don't pass me by

I love being from Schaumburg/Chicago especially when i meet people from Duluth because i know i am automatically better than them.

just get ross and rachel together.

love is a warm gun

i love it when my parents constantly bitch about how expensive tuition is here. and how its draining their accounts left and right. i love that they do this after insisting that i go to any school that i want to go to and that money doesn't matter. i love that they try to make me feel bad about increasing monthly payments and car payments and how its all just SO expensive. i hate that they say this and then refuse to let me transfer when i offer to go to u of i. i hate that they tell me i have a problem with commitment and cant follow through with any school and how its making them so broke. all these privates schools. private liberal arts colleges. everything costs so much money. "audrey were trying to budget, st olaf is REALLY expensive." in fact, they can't even afford to feed eric or axle anymore since theyre spending every single cent they make on my over-priced education. they might have to start selling off family heirlooms just so i can graduate.

well i don't even like it that much. i really don't really like it at all.

this is me being immature.

and i just applied to iowa.

can't stop the overstock shop

so i FINALLY figured out how to put the title on my blog! i had almost given up entirely because i just assumed that since my blog was so old that it just could not be done. but i have DONE IT. its kind of embarassing because it was really easy to figure this time and i've tried to do it at least 20 times before.

As far as my day has been concerned, i skipped basketball and will therefore get a B in the class. GREAT. what a stupid rule. Then i skipped English because i had to study for Arab and also because i didnt do the reading for english so i would have nothing to contribute. It was justified for sure. Then i filled a blue book with the dimensions of the Arab Family, some of which i kind of made up. Now i have to describe all the problems of the Arab world and then solve them in a 5 page paper. This is so realistic. I also don't think i will ever get a 3.0. fuck this B- is a 2.7 policy. WHAT IS THAT! the only other school i know that does that is Johns Hopkins.

I wish my mom would just answer her phone so i can get her credit card number so i can order these boots. there are only 4 pairs left in size 9.5! I'm still almost 100% financially dependent on my parents. This is part of the reason i need to sell my eggs. Since they decided i have to pay for grad school myself, and since i figured out a BA in English gets me nowhere, i have come to no other conclusion but to take out loans and sell eggs. I figure selling one batch (however many eggs that entails i do not know) will pay my rent for a year, which seems like an even trade to me. Plus i don't need all my eggs, i only need 3 good ones. and i don't even need them until im like 30. I wish i could say that i want to donate my eggs because i want to help make an infertile family's dreams come true but its really just for the money. I have no shame.

Also, instant coffee is disgusting. i would much rather pay $1.10 everyday at the Cage than drink this shit in my room for free.

Courtney is living in a single apartment next year and "jealous" doesn't even begin to describe how i feel about it. I've started to take serious issue with the whole residential campus thing here. Its just getting annoying. And the fact that there is an extremely limited number of singles available makes life that much harder for people who just want to live ALONE. sorry but i refuse to be bunking my bed at age 22.

I leave to go to Argentina in 3 days. I'm kind of nervous because I've never been out of the country by myself before and I've never payed attention to the customs part in the past. Lily said its the last thing i should be worried about but i still am. I'm also almost packed! I know i'm over-packing but i need options. I want my mom to take me to Spain this summer. Eric is going with school and I want to go too! I don't think i really appreciated/understood Spain the last time I went so i need a second chance. I also speak better spanish now though still not even close to fluent. Its good to know that 8 years of spanish has gotten me to the literacy level of a 2nd grader.

Wow i sound like a spoiled brat. eh whatever.

i want to donate my eggs for $7,000 each.

get courtney off campus.

i hope for us. i hope for a lot of things but i hope for us most. i hope for this time. cause backing up now would be next to impossible. i know how old this is getting. i really do. just stay with me.

"Sometimes taking off can open up your eyes
To everything that lies in your heart
Cause that's when you miss your home
And the trees seem a little deader
I think we're getting back tonight
Would you care if I came over?
I've missed you about three weeks now
I'm dying just to taste your lips
Could we stomp around your back yard
And wreck our clothes in the mud?"
savestheday


i hate this school

if you don't care enough to answer your phone or call me back then what am i doing here? i thought we could figure things out today before i leave but it looks like you don't think its worth it. i dont get you at all. im sorry i do nothing but embarass you. maybe you should just find someone who doesnt.


"I dont mind if you dont mind cause i dont shine if you don't shine."
thekillers

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. running over the same old ground, what have we found? the same old fears."
floyd

i'm tired of learning about arabs.

im just sick of this school. and learning in general.

i want bangs and need a job.

staying here tonight was NOT part of the plan.

this school rots.

i want to drop my arab class because i dont even understand the midterm's question.

im also very tired

going to a religiously affiliated school has perhaps made me even less religious.

chicago pizza company, chipotle, melting pot.

get me to schaumburg

fundamentally yours,
audrey

Decapitated Snow Penguin

I just realized that my flight to Argentina departs 2 hours earlier than i thought. So i hope i can finish my spanish test in time to get to the aeropuerto. PLUS the airport bus goes at 10am and 1pm and my flight is at 2 and test at 1045 so i cant take it. so i hope bri will still drive me. i am NOT paying for parking. anyway my car will probably be stuck in the snow until July so GREAT.

Having food in my room is the dumbest idea ive ever had. Next year i refuse to have it. i want to decorate my single badassly. what a great adjective. I want to have a lot of seating options in case people want to watch movies or something. I've been punching my stomach so hard i think ive bruised vital organs.

The march airedale is really cute and looks a lot like the ix.

"My therapist said not to see you no more.
She said youre like a disease without any cure.
She said i'm so obsessed that i'm becoming a bore.
Oh no. oh you think you're so prettyyyyyyyyyy."
James

I should be doing some reading or something. The fact that im not taking a writing GE this semester makes me feel like i'm never doing the work i should be. My schedule is actually pretty light.

Schedule for next fall:
Spanish 232
English 185
English 221
Art 121 (Foundation Ceramics)

last night i slipped on ice and fell really hard. my hand still kind of hurts and my knee is bruised. and it was all for nothing.

i cant wait to study abroad in Cairo.

i figured by this late in the game you would actually have the common sense to call when you say you will.

im not sure if youre the idiot of if i am.

probably both.

drugs will keep us apart.

i've had an annoying day.

i hate thinking im going to take a nap and then go work out because really im just going to take a longer nap.

ugh.

i hate being a late night eater. i need to stop late night eating. i need to stop eating full stop. (that was a bridget jones thing to say).

baked cheetos < regular cheetos

all baked chips < all regular chips

I'm going to bed before 2 AM! HUZZAH!!!!!!!! whenever i say huzzah i think of a. mst3k the pod people and b. colonial williamsburg.

the whole getting a house thing didn't end up working out. mainly because people still dont really understand the importance of replying to e-mails and partly because everyone and their mom is going abroad next year. like most things i do in my life, going abroad is something i will do after everyone else has already done it, and right at the last minute.

RAND HALL HERE WE COME.

Also an english major is so easy. But i got a b+ on our presentation today and im less than thrilled. I NEED A FUCKING 3.0!!!! and i mean a b+ will get me there but is an A just too much to ask for? Christ, ill take an A-.

Basketball might be the worst sport i have ever attempted (unsuccessfully) to play and i dont plan on every playing/watching it again after this semester. If i don't get rock climbing or fly fishing for my next gym class i'ma throw down.

Even though i pee right before i go to bed, i always wake up having to pee worse than i ever have in my life. this is a recent development. i think it might have something to do with the cancer i have self-diagnosed myself with. i might be a hypochondriac but im pretty sure this is ALL REAL.

i'm more tired today than usual.

i like rachel's hair shorter, like shoulder length. she is just so fashionable in the later seasons. i love it.

FRIENDS.

Joey's coming out of the coma!

"Looks like someone's got a case of the mondays."


call me when youre sober.

i LOVE Gain Joyful Expressions.

"and the wonder of it all is that you just don't realize how much i love you."
ericclapton

get us a mothafuckin house in northfield.

im an idiot about my ears.

and about my life.

miss
miss
miss
you

"Yeah Rogain, that shit's liquid gold baby."
johnny drama

"Could you get laid without Vince? thats the question."
"Do i give a fuck? thats the answer."
ENTOURAGE

how sick of me must you be by now
while you're standing just outside
of what your pride will allow
always reaching into yourself
to find a new way to understand me
when i'm sure that there's no one else
in the world who could withstand me

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

i took to the stage
with my outrage
in the bad old days
when you were the make-me-mad guy
but the songs
they come out more slowly
now that i am the bad guy
and i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy
I am astounded by your patience
and you say, believe it or not, baby
the joy you bring me
still outweighs it

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters

and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

how sick of me
must you be
by now?
anidifranco

you just have to love E and the girlfriend.

another double ear infection. someone save me from myself.

my stomach hurts.

i want to see the movie Dreamland.

sundance
sundance
sundance

and kind of Running with Scissors too even though courtney said the book was bad.

Now i'm going to watch Half Nelson.
i kind of love that ryan gosling and rachel mcadams have been dating since The Notebook.

"I miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays."
dashboardconfessional

"tell me this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all."
teganandsara

so today my parking permit got revoked for the rest of the year from the incident when it got stuck in the snow this weekend.
stolaf is so stupid.
and my diet coke tastes really funky.
i have a problem with not doing my work.
i can feel myself putting on my spring weight.
my stomach hurts from the amazing tuna sandwhich i just ate.
i used to drink a lot of water until i lost my nalgene this weekend.
i'm kind of a feminist and i'm not upset about it.


"you know I can't apologize
for everything I know
I mean you don't have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
cause if you're not trying to make something better
as far as I can tell
you're just in the way."
anidifranco

so its funny to me that all the central illinois schools got a snow day last week for 10-12 inches. because we have 16+ inches currently and its still snowing and no one would even consider cancelling class.

"Newby is my drunk baby."
scrubs

i miss this.

avril speaks to my heart these days.

"why you gotta go and make things so complicated? i see the way you're acting like you're somebody else and it gets me frustrated."

the vagina monologues were amazing. the weather was not. we have like a foot of snow. i feel like im going to throw up but im hungry.

emily katie sally and everyone else are great.

im never drinking again.

ps. gio, thanks for the fantastically drunk dial. hahahahahahaha

my parents arent coming to see the show anymore and its sad. but tonights performance was great and i hope tomorrows goes just as well.

i'm going abroad senior year to cairo.

im excited.

i love saul williams. i love regina spektor. sometimes i really wish i could write poetry. or something like it. because i would use it to talk about my busy days, and being a girl, and how making jokes gets old. and how getting 12 inches of snow this weekend will be interesting.


I'm tired of the therapy
I'm tired of the
dog
chase
cat
chase
mouse
chase
whatever.
fuck this. the chase.
and my mom's still amazed that i look like her
that this stranger in her house looks just like her
and my dad doesn't get why i act like him
why i bitch, scream, cry, whine, and attack like him
why i take shit eat shit from assholes just like him
and i'm enough like one to be recognized
but too much like the other to identify
fuck it.
and neither of them understand why my brother is quiet
why i'm so fucking loud and my brother is silent
theyre both just glad he's not rebellious like i was
the 8th grade rebel with absolutely no cause
because they give us everything we want but were so ungrateful
they work constantly to feed and clothe us but were so ungrateful
theyre too busy to listen and its all for us
and we're still just so ungrateful
fuck you.
realize
real eyes
real lies
where is that from
i look like my mother but can't go much deeper
because she doesnt
i abuse like my father and can't let it go
because he wont
but i'll take responsibility for my choices when you do.
i'll show you mine if you show me yours
now where have i heard that before
oh if only you knew.
but now everything is perfect as far as they can tell
perfect daughter
turned rebel
turned actor
turned scholar
turned whatever.
oh if only you knew
exactly how much you've missed of my childhood hell

and it doesn't matter what i say at this point. you're so far away. and i'm farther from you everyday. and i'm sorry i didnt call you when my grandma died. and i'm sorry i've done nothing but push you away since i was 16. i'll never be as perfect as you want me to be. but i'm just so tired of setting expectations that exceed all reality.

"after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an asshole playing with candles
Blowing out wishes blowing out dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
what's written in Braille upon my skin."
-reginaspektor

Today when i got out of the shower my towel kind of smelled like cat piss. it was gross. it made me thankful to not be working at the shelter anymore.

i'm really tired lately. there are a lot of things from urban outfitters that i want. i wish my spring break was in 2 weeks.

i'm excited to go to argentina. people are skateboarding outside my dorm right now and its loud. i feel so busy lately. i'm scared about my monologue. but i'm more tired than anything else.

id like to nap but i have so much reading. oh well.

miss you.

fatally yours describes my life almost perfectly right now. also courtney thinks my major is pointless. and she's pretty much right. the liberal arts education in general is kind of pointless. oh well. i'm glad i havent done anything to catch up on the weeks of homework i have.I think the vagina monologues will be good. i think people will like it.

There's no mystery no more, just no talking to you
Guess you had other things in store
Guess I felt I was through
I answered every question as accurately as I could

I don't hear from you no more, but I get the message
You crashed your car through my front door,
I pulled you from the wreckage
You told me that you missed me
But you meant with the grill and hood
you'd kill me if you could

And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave
I won't say one word, I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve
Flew off of the handle, you opened fire on me
Put me down, put me out of misery
I'm fatally yours

You set fire to me that night,
you lit and left me burning
Out of my mind, but in my sights,
I saw the tables turning
I had a friend that needed me
You made a wish that won't come true,
and now it's killing two

And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave
I won't say one word, I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve
Flew off of the handle, you opened fire on me
Put me down, put me out of misery
I'm fatally yours

alkalinetrio

I'm not. sweet relief.

Today I officially declared as an English major. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Am I making the right decisions in any part of my life? I'm sinking.

"if i kissed you where its sore,
would you feel better?
would you feel anything at all?"
ReginaSpektor

"No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again."
reginaspektor

If things don't start getting better in my life, i might consider becoming a drug addict. Lately everything has kind of been.... awful. oh well. life is kind of bad.

"my tears seep through the crack under my door.
well i am locked in. shut down.
im so tired of picking myself up off the ground.
so happy valentine's day."

no roses now.

i just get so tired of everything. i don't really know what the point is anymore. i'm not happy and i can't keep pretending i am. when i need to be rescued no one is there to do the rescuing.


"i know i know i know you're still my love. the same as i love you, you'll always love me too. this love isnt good unless its me and you."
teganandsara

"Two to one
Static to the sound of
You and I undone
For the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom
Of your swimming pool
Some September
Don't you think
I wish that I could stay?
Your lips give you away."
jacksmannequin

when i hear certain songs, i find it more difficult to live through the day. and its going to be impossible for me to get through this spring knowing our routine has finally ended and you wont be there waiting for me in the summer. i say "this is the last time" but then i always want just one more chance. and a part of me hopes its never the last time. i'm so selfish for that.

when you're depressed about your mom not having any idea who you are as a person, nothing else really seems to make sense or even matter.

i'm materialistic, spoiled, and selfish.

what more is there to know?

i guess a necklace from Tiffany is the perfect gift after all.


i dont think the nightmare ever stops. i miss steve more than ever tonight.

I'm young and i love to be young. I'm free and i love to be free.

I'm about to be ballin in the morning.

I love my future homes in Brookline.

Now that i have completely realized my incompetence when it comes to all things related to math and science, or more generally, all things period, i will post a quote by chuck klosterman about probability. courtney just sent this to me. i hate probability and i do not understand anything. my life is slowly unraveling in front of my eyes. in 2 days i will be 20. valentines day will be here. i will be alone. these are the facts.

"Life is chock-full of lies, but the biggest lie is math. Thats particulary clear in the discipline of probability, a field of study thats completely and wholly fake. When push comes to shove--when you truly get down to the core essence of existence--THERE IS ONLY ONE MATHEMATICAL POSSIBILITY: EVERYTHING IS 50-50. EITHER SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN OR SOMETHING WILL NOT. When you flip a coin, what are the odds of it coming up heads? 50-50. Either it will be heads or it will not. When you roll a six sided die, what are the odds that youll roll a three? 50-50. you'll either get a three or you wont. Thats reality. Dont fall into the childish "its one in six" logic crap. That is precisely what all your adolescent authority figures want you to believe. Thats how they enslave you. Thats how they stole your conviction, and thats why you will never be happy. Either you wil roll a three, or you will not; there are no other alternatives. The future has no memory. Certain things can be impossible and certain things can be guaranteed--but there is no sliding scale for maybe. Maybe something happen or maybe it wont. Thats all there is. What are the chances that your sister will die from ovarian cancer next summer? 50-50 (either shell die from ovarian cancer or she wont). What are the chances that your sister will become America's most respected underwater welding specialist? 50-50. It will happen or it wont.There are two possibilities and both are plausible and unknown. The odds are 2:1. These facts are irrefutable. Quasi-intellectuals like to claim that math is spiritual. They are lying. Math is not religion. Math is the anti-religion, because it splinters the gravity of life's only imperative equation: Either something is true, or is isn't. Do or do not; there is no try."

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I shouldI know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.

And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should.

dixiechicks

will you just let me visit you already! ill even settle for you just returning my calls.

we'll be okay. we both got what we want. i got sex, you got fame.


miss you stephen. every day of my life.

the only thing i'll ever ask of you: you gotta promise not to stop when i say when.

you rip my heart right out
you rip my heart right out
i'd throw away everything i've written you. oh anything just keep my mind from thinking how i've had you once, oh i cant forget that. sometimes i wish i could lose you again.

I guess i am getting depressed again afterall.

I know what i'm going to name my kids. Hopefully they are all girls because i cant really think of any boys names that i really like... so im going to have 3 girls...

Charlotte
Cameron
Reese

and the more impending future is naming my future cat... these are the names i like..

Bronte
Caliope
Beatrix
Sophie
Thea
Hero
Olivia
Alma

Again, more girls. I miss my baby boy puppy. I am not excited for basketball tomorrow. Cuba Gooding Jr. is pretty funny but not as funny as Hugh Grant. Valentines day is getting closer and i love sending flowers and cards. My birthday is in less than a week and i didnt realize it was so close until about an hour ago.

basketball is hard.

if anyone has a car that they would like to give courtney for school next year that would be great, thanks. weekly rides from winona to northfield would work too.

im going to bed at 10:30 tonight and it feels so good. it has this comfort of high school without the annoyance of waking up before 9:30. tomorrow is my first day of Basketball in gym. it should be interesting. my ear is gross. i think calc is going to be okay. i actually like all my professors this semester. no complaints yet.

except apartment hunting in northfield minnesota is a bitch and actually kind of gross.

"when i look around i think this is good enough. and i try to laugh at whatever life brings. because when i look down i just miss all the good stuff. and when i look up i just trip over things."
anidifranco

im dead tired and sad about the bears. still determined to go to BU though, maybe even more so than before.

ugh i have another ear infection. and this is my 1,001st post. exciting.

Boston is hands down the best city on earth.

this week i read the new book by mitch albom called For One More Day. I also read The Things They Carried by Tim O'brien. both were really good.

The bears will win the superbowl.

and i will go to boston university.

and we are destined to be lovers.


I love courtney cosgriff and lily lotfy

i keep having this memory flashback to one morning in the summer of 2003 when, for one reason or another, steve didnt have a car and i had to pick him up from the golf course (hilldale of course) at like 9:30 in the morning. I had just woken up and was wearing grey soffe shorts with a white cami (my pajamas) and black old navy flip flops. then we went to mcdonalds and got breakfast and brought it back to steves house. i had pancakes. this was about the same time that he had the body fat percentage measuring thing and i remember being so grossed out that his was like 7%.

its weird because that house no longer exists.

if my house ever sold as a tear-down i think i would cry for days.

after six years of therapy, i am finally the most emotionally healthy member of my family. but then again, maybe i have been all along.

boston in the AM.

the american dream fails to mention love because there are some things that perserverence cannot attain.

did i write that? i don't really think so. i found in the sophomore year journal just now that actually ended up molding into the senior year notebook for random rambling and bitching.

i also write terrible poetry. i'm in denial of the brevity of lackluster dreams.

cky
cky
cky
"Dunn, do it for fuck's sake. quit being a pussy."
"He lives a block away from me.. a block. you love in another township! He could walk to my house and kill me."
cky
cky
cky

"You're a few years overdue. I spent them waiting here for you."
-getupkids

I have this weird relationship with my parents. I actually have this weird relationship with everyone. Courtney can remember what i wore at almost every important and nonimportant event that i've been through in her presence. I watched Noises Off! with my parents and E the other day and nostalgia inevitably set in. even though im currently confused about almost everything in my life i'm greatful for the world's best friend because without her, all my decisions would be awful and wrong instead of just most of them. when i read all the writing on my desk, the best parts are court writing her name in a gold sticker on 12.28.02 and 12.28.03 and vince writing "Hi Audrey, youre heavy metal." spring break 2003 lives on in my heart forever.

i also dont know whats so tender about this trap.

"I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
And I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives.
And I don't mind racing through our goodbyes."
rilokiley

i finally upgraded to the new blogger against my will. i went to dominicks with my dad today and blockbuster.

i havent updated in a few days because my computer blows.

i need a mac

and also an apartment next year. get me off this sick ass campus.

I am determined to like myself. In fact, I am determined to love myself. I'm so over this decade of self-hate.

"This above all:
to thine own self be true"
shakespeare

my birth control sucks.

So i am talking to Cyndi tomorrow and for the first time in at least a month i feel like i actually have things i want to work through. I have issues, this is clear. I'm needy, codependent, and drawn to guys with extreme emotional baggage. but now that i started reading this book, mock all you want, i understand WHY i do the things i do, which ive never really understood. i also think codependency is a lot more common than people really think. everyones a little codependent. just like everyone could use a little therapy. i really think its true.


"I think that i'm throwing but i'm thrown.
i thought id live forever but now i'm not so sure,
you try to tell me that i'm clever
but that won't me anyhow or anywhere with you.
You said that i was naive and i thought that i was strong
i thought "hey i can leave i can leave"
oh but now i know that i was wrong."
lisaloeb

I'm ready to close one chapter of my life that has been open for far too long. Even though its taken me a long time to get to this point i dont think ive made wrong decisions in getting here. this is relieving. the point is, sometimes people just never really grow up and its nice to be able to realize that you are growing up when you look back at these people and forget why you ever held them up as high as you did. and this isnt about you steve.


"One more inch,
You son of a bitch.
You've been wasting my time, always.
And now you're half awake.
You bend til you break.
And make the same mistakes, always."
guster


i love courtney and gio for reading this and also for being the greatest friends!

"You provide me the lighter fluid to fuel in my fire
You're my entire supply of gas, the match and igniter
The only way that I'm able to stay so stable
Is you're the legs to my table,
If you were to break I'd fall on my face
But I'm always gonna make you feel
I don't need you as much as I really need you
So you don't use it to your advantage
But you're essential to me
You're the air I breathe
I believe if you ever leave me
I'd probaly have no reason to be
You are the Kim to my Marshall
You're the Slim to my Shady
The Dre to my Eminem"
eminem

"There's no vocabulary
For love within a family, love that's lived in
But not looked at, love within the light of which
All else is seen, the love within which
All other love finds speech.
This love is silent."
T.S. Eliot

I'm thinking about switching to a psych major and becoming a therapist instead. courtney thinks i would be good at it and she is probably the only one. i'm also tired and in need ot a nap but refuse to take one right after eating lunch. i guess ill read.

this is something from last march. it was in my livejournal archives but im thinking about deleting the lj all together so i thought id salvage some of my original worse than bad poetry. hahaha.

It takes more than "I love you"
to mend these broken fences.
It takes more than flowers
to reestablish my trust.
It takes more than "I'm sorry"
to make me believe you
It takes more than your best
to overcome your worst.
It takes more than a lifetime
to make up for the pain.
It takes more than empty promises
to prove that you've changed.
It takes more than a phone call
to make your mark on my heart.
It takes more than consistency
to gain my willingness to start.
It takes more than trial and error
to understand my imperfections.
It takes more than flattery
to earn my compassion.
It takes more than jealousy
to convince me you're faithful.
It takes more than your tears
to tell me you'll remain so.
It takes more than "I love you"
to mend these broken fences.
It takes more than flowers
to reestablish my trust.

"you were right about the stars, each one is a setting sun."
wilco

recovering from any addiction is hard; be it mental, physical or emotional. most of the time it doesn't even seem like going through the recovery is worth all the suffering. every second of every day is spent thinking about the potential benefits of relapsing into the addiction. after a while, delusion sets in and it becomes impossible to remember any of the negative aspects of the addiction or why you chose to give it up in the first place. you remind yourself, your friends remind you and your therapist reminds you how low the lows were and how bad it sometimes got but you cannot be convinced.

I understand all this. i know i have an addictive personality. at least, an emotionally addictive personality. i depend on other people to fill voids in my life that i don't know how to fill on my own. im unhealthy. i cant move on. i can't let go. i want to. i need to. how do you let go of 4 years? i guess its all about baby steps. and the first baby step i have taken was buying "Codependent No More" at barnes and noble today. theres nothing like self help. and when that doesnt work theres nothing like courtney, movies and comfort food.

"They'll never hurt you like i do."
somethingcorporate

since im talking about all the tragedy in my life, i feel compelled to bring up ronny. lately i cant stop thinking about him and i dont think ill ever stop feeling responsible. at the funeral, his sister said that suicide is usually considered the most selfish thing a person can do, but she insisted that in ronnys case it was the most self-less thing he ever did. i didn't understand it then and 7 months later i still dont. because i still hurt and im still not okay and i know i can say the same for at least 10 other people and how is that fair? im not mad anymore. i just feel worthless. why werent we enough? why wasnt this enough? that sounds so cliche. i'm just so tired of feeling empty. i had so many plans that ended so abruptly.

dealing with the suicide of a close friend has made me hate myself for the my attempts and constant contemplation. i know now its something i'll never do. this may seem like an obvious statement to a lot of people and a little stupid too but its actually somewhat of a revelation for me. this post is kind of intense. but i think i am kind of intense even when most people see me as a static one-sided character. thats my fault. someday i'll stop hiding behind my humor, but not any day soon.

"you say that love goes anywhere. in your darkest time, its just enough to know its there."
jimmyeatworld

"one of these days its gonna catch up to you
throwing looks like those around
and one of these nights i promise to you
ill soon be sleeping sound
as soon as i leave town."
alkalinetrio

i hate all my clothes.

"I've gotta find this road, its like Bob's road."

beatnik cunt?

I'm crazy on this ship of fools. I miss having a boat. and swimming in the marina and poking all the dead carp with sticks.

I'm sick of my doughy physique.

"If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart.
Cause it's all you can be.
You're a drunk and you're scared."
brandnew

Ohhhh Timon and and Pumba are my favorite dogs!

i want all you can eat pancakes.

I want to go running around Schaumburg and more specifically the Timbercrest subdivision. REPRESENT!

i also think i want a bike.

"The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days. I know it's late."
jetstobrazil